The long and short about The Date III

Ok, I changed my mind. Here’s what happened during the date.

It was a very different Office Bimbo when I met her on Monday morning. Instead of her usual chirpy self, she was looking rather distraught when I bumped into her in the pantry. I was feeling generous, and tried to cheer her up by offering her some of my nasi lemak. To my horror, she accepted and I was left feeling hungry for the morning. Walau.

I knew by then something was seriously wrong because under normal circumstances, she would not go an inch near nasi lemak because she claims it makes people fat. I decided against the idea of KFC when she said she needed a place where she can have a quiet conversation over dinner, and since I only know of one place where I can have a quiet conversation over dinner, we ended up at the sushi bar that evening.

After a few rounds of sake, she finally told me what was troubling her: Her parents are getting a divorce because of, what else, the appearance of another woman. In fact, her mum and her lover are holidaying in the Maldives right now.

I asked her why she was telling me all this, and she said she had no idea herself. She just wanted someone to talk to, and somehow my name happened to pop up. This was all ok until she popped that question to me.


Office Bimbo: Sian, can you do something for me please?

Me: Huh? Eh, what?

Office Bimbo: Can you let me slap you please?

Me: HUH?!?!?

Office Bimbo: My ex used to let me do that to him. It lets me de-stress, really!


Needless to say, I rejected her utterly bizarre request. Although I am very disturbed, I now have a better idea why Office Bimbo and her SLK Driving Boyfriend have gone separate ways. I also politely rejected her counteroffer of letting me slap her. I have no idea what the hell young women are thinking of nowadays.

By this stage, Office Bimbo was getting quite drunk, so I had to help her out of the bar. And that was when I bumped into Sushi Eating Friend. She looked at me, looked at Office Bimbo with her arms clung around me, and walked into the sushi bar without any expression.

I am so sibeh sian :(


With Love,
Sibeh Sian


P.S. BTW Office Bimbo has been very friendly ever since our ‘date’. She even gave me a ticket to watch Phantom of the Opera with her this Sunday, because her friend couldn’t make it. I hope it’s not going to be scary like Sadako sia.

The long and short about The Date II

I’m back from the date!

I’m not sure if I should talk about what went on during the date because it’s kind of sensitive.

But suffice to say, it’s a horrible idea to bring Office Bimbo to the sushi bar because if I didn’t, then we wouldn’t have bumped into Sushi Eating Friend when we were leaving the place.

Damn.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Date

In case you are not aware of it, KFC is celebrating 30 years of operation in Singapore. The folks are so nice, they even placed a booklet’s worth of coupons in my mail box, haha.

I have no idea why but I suddenly thought of asking Sushi Eating Friend if she would like to use the coupons with me. I picked up the phone, but hesitated for the longest while because it felt kind of weird and for some reason my heartbeat was on overdrive. I was thinking it would be really nice if she would call me instead, so my heart nearly stopped beating when it did rang.

Unfortunately, it was not Sushi Eating Friend. It was Office Bimbo.

For some reason she made me promise to go out on a date with her tonight. She didn’t even mind when I said I must have KFC, which is weird because she usually doesn’t even go near that stuff.

I am very, very disturbed.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Sushi Bar

I have this confession to make: Even though I used to accompany Sushi Eating Friend to her favorite sushi bar, I never liked sushi. Especially sashimi. It taste raw, cold and yucky. And it’s sibeh expensive.

So I have no idea why I found myself at the sushi bar by myself last night. Sitting at the counter seats where we used to sit, except this time she’s no longer beside me. Drinking the same green tea, which she once spiked with wasabi.

I really should have gone to KFC.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Charity Show

Cao Ji Dan: 大家晚上好! Welcome to the annual Sibeh Charity Show! I am Cao Ji Dan, your host for tonight, and I promise you an entertaining evening filled with lots of, eh, entertainment! *Applause from the floor*

Guo Da Liang: And I am Guo Da Liang, your co-host for tonight! This is going to be such an exciting evening, I am shaking with excitement now, haha.

Guo Da Liang: Tell us Ji Dan, what do we have in store for tonight?

Cao Ji Dan: I am glad you asked, Da Liang! Instead of the usual dare-devil, life-threatening, and more often than not embarrassing stunts we subject our celebrity guests to, our lucky viewers are in for something very different tonight.

Cao Ji Dan: Over the past few months, we solicited feedback on what are the stunts people really wish to see in a charity show. We have arrived at a top three list, and here’s the catch: You, our dear audience, gets to decide who gets saboed honored. All you have to do is to send in a SMS at $5.00, and the celebrity who receives the most SMS will carry out the stipulated stunt!

Guo Da Liang: This is all very exciting indeed. So what is the first stunt that we will see tonight?

Cao Ji Dan: The first stunt is a rather strange request from the public. The chosen celebrity has to finish 600,000 peanuts within ten minutes.

Guo Da Liang: Oh my this is a very strange request indeed. But never mind, let’s see which of our very willing celebrities will get voted to perform this very fun stunt! Speaking of which, voting starts now!

(A big ass projector in the background starts projecting a series of celebrities, before finally stopping at a certain well-known philanthropher)

Cao Ji Dan: And the people has spoken! Let’s welcome Mr DD Dulan onto the stage!

DD Dulan: Hello everyone, I am DD Dulan. *For some unknown reason the audience started booing*

DD Dulan: Ahem. . . . I know the people have voted for me, but can I be refrained from doing this stunt please? I have, eh, weak kidneys.

Guo Da Liang: I am very sorry Dulan, but for the sake of charity I’m sure you don’t mind sacrificing. Anyway, the peanuts will be served in a gold-plated bowl so I’m sure you will enjoy it, haha.

(Dulan gets escorted to a corner of the studio where he starts munching peanuts in a sibeh dulan manner)

Cao Ji Dan: While Dulan is busy eating peanuts, let’s move on to the second stunt of the night, which happens to be rather dangerous: The chosen celebrity have to juggle basketballs while somersaulting through a ring of fire. Please vote wisely!

(Big ass projector in the background begins projecting a series of celebrities again, before finally stopping at a certain well-known philanthropher)

Guo Da Liang: My goodness! The celebrity with the most number of votes is Mr DD Dulan again!

Cao Ji Dan: Oh my. . . . As Mr Dulan is still busy with his peanuts, we will get Mr Ricky Yong Tau Foo, who had the second highest number of votes to perform the stunt instead. A round of applause for Mr Yong Tau Foo please!

Yong Tau Foo: Hello everyone, I am Ricky Yong Tau Foo. *For some unknown reason the audience started booing again*

Yong Tau Foo: Eh, actually I don’t know why I’m on this show. I came only because Dulan asked me to, so can I not do the stunt please?

Guo Da Liang: Wah, you like listen to everything Dulan says sia.

Cao Ji Dan: In that case. . . . Eh, Mr Dulan, if you tell Mr Yong to perform the stunt, you just need to eat half of the peanuts.

DD Dulan: Ok!

DD Dulan: Yong Tau Foo, faster go do the stunt now!

Yong Tau Foo: Walau, Dulan you back-stab me sia. But since you told me to, I must do it. *Yong Tau Foo proceeds to juggle balls*

Cao Ji Dan: Ok folks, we have come to the last stunt of the night! The chosen celebrity will have to walk from Takashimaya to Far East Plaza. On a tight rope.

Guo Da Liang: Now that is really very tough! I think it takes really great courage from our celebrities to do all these stunts.

Cao Ji Dan: Indeed. But they should have no complaints because they are doing it for charity! Now let’s see how you people have voted!

(Big ass projector in the background begins projecting a series of celebrities again. It stopped at a certain well-known presenter this time)

Cao Ji Dan: . . . . What the ?!?!

Guo Da Liang: My goodness, the audience has spoken! Ji Dan, you have been chosen to do the stunt, which should be no big deal because you are a very charitable man, haha. . . .

Cao Ji Dan: . . . . Eh. . . eh. . . . I just remember I have something urgent to attend to at home! Although I am a very charitable man, I have to leave now because I have to catch my flight back to Taiwan, haha. . . . Please donate generously k? *Hurries off*

Guo Da Liang: Eh, that was unexpected to say the least. Anyway, I have very bad news for you folks: You people are very stingy. We have only received 5 million calls so far, which is well short of our target of 50 million calls. Since we are running out of time, our hope of hitting the target rest with the peanuts stunt that Mr Dulan is performing. Can we zoom in on how he is doing now please?

(Camera zooms in on DD Dulan, who is shown being force-fed with peanuts by the camera crew)

Guo Da Liang: *Tears* My goodness, this is such a touching scene! For the sake of charity, Mr Dulan has shoved 9,348 peanuts into his mouth already! But for the sake of charity, I’m sure you folks will call even more generously if he manage to reach 10,000 peanuts right? So Mr Dulan, are you willing to risk it for charity?

DD Dulan: Muummmm. . . . Mummmmm. . . .

Guo Da Liang: My goodness, Mr Dulan can’t reply because his mouth is full! But I think he meant yes, because he is a very charitable man. Crew, more peanuts for Mr Dulan please!

(Camera crew shoves another few hundred peanuts into Dulan’s mouth)

Guo Da Liang: Let’s do a count now! 9,997 peanuts, 9,998 peanuts, 9,999 peanuts. . . . 10,000 peanuts :D!!!! Yes folks, Mr DD Dulan has done it! He has shoved 10,000 peanuts into his mouth! Can we hear something from the very charitable man please?

DD Dulan: *Coughs out peanuts from his nostrils* . . . . Yes, it was a very tough stunt, but I managed to complete it because I work hard for my charity. Please donate generously, folks!

Guo Da Liang: Indeed, it’s heartening to know that we have such charitable people around us. Anyway, we have to stop the show because we are running out of time. Thanks for your generous donations, we hope you will do so again next year!

DD Dulan: Wait wait! What am I supposed to do with the remaining 590,000 peanuts huh?

Guo Da Liang: Don’t worry Mr Dulan, we have made special arrangements for you to finish your peanuts in our studio at Changi. I’m sure you will enjoy your stay there, haha.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Job

Being a Man of Action, I was actively looking for a job in the two weeks when I was ‘jobless’. After spending an incredible amount of time on job search databases, I found one which sounded really promising. This company was offering the position of a management trainee, and promised an attractive remuneration package and a fast career advancement path for good performers.

I was a bit worried because I never did ‘face-to-face marketing’ before, but since the advert stated that no experience is required, I submitted my application to XYZ company (no real names mentioned here, haha). To my surprise, I got a response from them the very next day. I was even more surprised because they informed me that I was among the very few who was chosen from the thousand odd applicants. Finally, someone who appreciates my talent! Heh.

So I went for the interview in my tie and blazer, and was a bit worried because despite it being an MNC, I couldn’t find any information of the company on the web. But I was assured by the sight of the very attractive Sweet Young Thing manning the reception, who directed me to my interviewer who was a Sweet Young Thing too. The interviewer was rather fierce though, and made me switch off my handphone in front of her before entering the interview room.

So I entered the interview room, which was really more like a conference room because there must be at least thirty or forty of us interviewees there. The Fierce Young Thing first congratulated us on being the cream of the crop for landing this interview, and then proceeded to give a presentation about the job. And my oh my, it was such an attractive job! We were told that if our performance is good, we can expect to earn at least $5,000 a month, and more when we become team managers or even partners of the firm. They even showed testimonials from previous management trainees who were obviously doing very well because they were driving a BMW before they were 30. What an attractive job!

I was then assigned to a mentor who gave a very motivating speech about how much I can earn if I work hard enough. She was such a nice person, she decided to show me the ropes by bringing me along on her field trip to Orchard Road.

We were supposed to market this tour package thingy that day, and even though I knew absolutely nothing about the tour, my mentor assured me I can learn through observation, which was what I did. My mentor first approached this ang mo, and asked him if he was a Singaporean. The ang mo replied no, and my mentor excitedly exclaimed that he was in luck because the company was doing a special promotion for foreigners, and he was eligible for a 30% discount if he signed up. The ang mo politely said he was not interested before walking away, and I thought I heard my mentor mutter ‘chao ang mo’ under her breath, haha.

She then approached a couple, who replied they were Singaporean. I thought that was a pity because that means they wouldn’t be eligible for a discount, so I was surprised when my mentor excitedly exclaimed that they were in luck because the company was doing a special promotion for locals, and were eligible for a 30% discount. The couple walked away hurriedly, and my mentor angrily shouted ‘rude Singaporeans!’. Haha.

My mentor asked if I have learned anything, and I said yes. She then told me to try selling the product, and I decided to approach this auntie who was heading towards me.


Me: Hello 小姐! Are you a Singaporean?

Me: You are in luck because Singaporeans are eligible for a 30% discount on our travel packages!

Auntie: Eh, I’m Malaysian.

Me: Don’t worry! Non-Singaporeans are eligible for the 30% discount too!


The auntie walked away hurriedly, and for some reason my mentor was pissed. She told me to forget about the job and told me to go home. I was very sad because I did exactly what she was doing but got blamed for it. Sigh.

What a pity, I could be earning $5,000 a month and have my own BMW if the interview worked out! Oh well.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Brave Boy

Ok people, no more indecent pictures of Nerd, I promise. I reckoned if he ever finds out about this blog I will be in serious trouble. Heh.

Anyway, I made a major discovery over the weekend: it is cool to fight in your underwear. Before your imagination starts running wild again, I am of course referring to 300.





I have quite a few things to say about this movie, and the first thing is that this movie is not really for kids. The reason is because the show is M18, and the ushers might stop you from entering the theatre if you are below 18. Which leads me to the second thing that I want to say: the ushers at Orchard Cineleisure are not doing their jobs. I was expecting to be asked for my IC at the point of entry, so I was shocked when they admitted me with a smile after checking my ticket. Can’t they tell that I could be 16 or 17?!?! Very unprofessional, those ushers.

The third thing I have to say about 300 is that it made me feel very, very guilty for not jogging the past few weeks. I have no idea how they did it, but all the guys in the show had six packs vs my One Pack. I also noticed they had bigger neh nehs that the girls. I know this because the guys were perpetually naked from waist-up, and because the girls were curiously braless. I was also surprised that waxing was in vogue in ancient Greece because despite popular notions, all the ang mos in the show were not hairy, haha.

But above all the superficial stuff I learnt from the show, I learnt one very, very important lesson. And that is that when faced with a great challenge and seemingly insurmountable odds, we should not give in, and should instead face our challenges head on. In fact, I got to apply that lesson that very evening.


Mum: Sian, faster go clean up your room, it’s very messy.

Me: Later then I go clean lah, I want to watch finish the TV first.

Mum: . . . .

Mum: YOU BETTER FASTER GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW!!!!


Sometimes, it’s wiser to give in to the oppressors. Sigh.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am Very, Very Disturbed II

Hello everyone! I’ve been busy as a bee ever since I regained my status as an office slave a happy office boy. I am so happy :D! Haha. . . .

But anyway, the cruise details will have to wait because I am so busy. But since you people liked Nerd’s ‘happy’ pic so much, here’s another one that I found:







Walau ah that Nerd. We didn’t even eat any oysters!


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am Rather Disturbed

I was looking through the pictures I took with Nerd on the cruise, when I noticed ‘something’. That ‘something’ is making me feel rather disturbed:







I hope I was not the one who made Nerd this ‘happy’.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am So Not Dead :)

The long and short about I Am So Not Dead :)



People :D! I have a very happy and exciting piece of news to share with you today.

I’ve got my job back :)

Actually, that wasn’t very accurate because I never got fired in the first place. This is going to be very confusing, so I’ll break down what happened in chronological order to make it less so:


6th February:
Being the hardworking employee that I am, I was working overtime as usual that night. And being the very hardworking people Boss and Sexy New Colleague were, they were, eh, hard at work in their office too.

It could have been a very uneventful night, but my Boss’ Tai Tai Wife decided to make a visit to the office. I have no idea why, but she brought at least five or six of her Tai Tai friends along. She asked me where was Boss and I replied he was hard at work in his office with my Sexy New Colleague. She then asked me how long has Boss been hard at work in his office with my Sexy New Colleague, and I truthfully replied that he had been hard at work with my Sexy New Colleague every night for the past week or so.

My Boss’ Tai Tai Wife shouted “HONG GAN!” and told me to go home. I meekly obliged because she sounded very fierce.

7th February:
I reported for work in the morning, and found the office in an uproar. Nobody was doing any work and was gossiping about what happened to the Boss, who was not in the office. If you must know, I’m not someone to gossip, but I was really concerned about Boss and so I asked them what happened.

What I heard shocked me beyond words: it turned out that my Boss was not doing work in his office with Sexy New Colleague, but they were busy making babies instead! Apparently, someone in the office ratted on Boss by telling his Tai Tai Wife about what is happening. She then caught them in the act with the help of the rat, and gave Boss and Sexy New Colleague a real thrashing last night.

I was shocked beyond words because I thought Boss and Sexy New Colleague were doing real work. But they betrayed my trust instead! The two of them, too much. My colleagues were very shocked too, and decided not to do any work because they needed to calm their nerves, and also because Boss were not around and Ms Tan was on leave. In fact, they needed to calm their nerves so much they decided to knock off early at 4:30pm.

I wanted to go home early too, but decided not to because I wanted to clear my work before going on annual leave for the next three weeks. But that turned out to be a mistake because Boss came in at 5:30pm looking very, very pissed. He asked where everybody was, and I told him they are probably having dinner now. I have no idea why but he got even more pissed.

He then turned towards me and asked me if I was the rat. I shook my head and told him I was born in the year of the Horse. I have no idea why but he turned ballistic and told me to go hong gan and never return to the office ever again.

8th – 21st February:
I spent the next few days pondering about my Boss’ cryptic words: when he said ‘never return to the office ever again’, does that mean he was giving me the sack? Alas, I realized that must have been what he meant because nobody from the office called even though I did not report for work for the next few days.

I was such a broken man.

22nd February:
Went back to the office to collect my stuff, but I couldn’t even say my goodbyes because everyone was at a meeting. Committed bak gua theft.

5th March:
Received a call this morning from Ms Tan to get my ass into her office. I did. She asked me why I didn’t reply her calls on Thurday and Friday, and I told her I was on a cruise. She went livid and asked what the hell was I doing on a cruise when my leave was until Wednesday.

And that’s when everything became clear to me: I was never fired! The guys in the office didn’t call me up because I was supposed to be on leave! I was so overwhelmed with joy I forgot myself and gave Ms Tan a hug. I then shouted I will work very hard from now on and went back to my desk, happy as a lark :)


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. My Boss is currently holidaying at the Maldives with Tai Tai Wife.

P.P.S. Sexy New Colleague has been fired!

P.P.P.S. My Boss cancelled a business deal with a long time client because they forgot to give bak gua to Boss during Chinese New Year. Apparently, my Boss got into a big argument with them because they claimed they did give the bak gua. I don’t understand what the big fuss is about because afterall, it’s just bak gua. Oh well.

The long and short about I Am So Dead

Sorry, the half naked pictures of Nerd will have to wait. I was jolted out of bed just now by a phone call from Ms Tan, who said something to the effect of "Get your ass into the office RIGHT NOW!!!!"

Damn. I hope I won't be the first person in the world to be convicted of bak gua theft.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian