The long and short about The Charity Show

Cao Ji Dan: 大家晚上好! Welcome to the annual Sibeh Charity Show! I am Cao Ji Dan, your host for tonight, and I promise you an entertaining evening filled with lots of, eh, entertainment! *Applause from the floor*

Guo Da Liang: And I am Guo Da Liang, your co-host for tonight! This is going to be such an exciting evening, I am shaking with excitement now, haha.

Guo Da Liang: Tell us Ji Dan, what do we have in store for tonight?

Cao Ji Dan: I am glad you asked, Da Liang! Instead of the usual dare-devil, life-threatening, and more often than not embarrassing stunts we subject our celebrity guests to, our lucky viewers are in for something very different tonight.

Cao Ji Dan: Over the past few months, we solicited feedback on what are the stunts people really wish to see in a charity show. We have arrived at a top three list, and here’s the catch: You, our dear audience, gets to decide who gets saboed honored. All you have to do is to send in a SMS at $5.00, and the celebrity who receives the most SMS will carry out the stipulated stunt!

Guo Da Liang: This is all very exciting indeed. So what is the first stunt that we will see tonight?

Cao Ji Dan: The first stunt is a rather strange request from the public. The chosen celebrity has to finish 600,000 peanuts within ten minutes.

Guo Da Liang: Oh my this is a very strange request indeed. But never mind, let’s see which of our very willing celebrities will get voted to perform this very fun stunt! Speaking of which, voting starts now!

(A big ass projector in the background starts projecting a series of celebrities, before finally stopping at a certain well-known philanthropher)

Cao Ji Dan: And the people has spoken! Let’s welcome Mr DD Dulan onto the stage!

DD Dulan: Hello everyone, I am DD Dulan. *For some unknown reason the audience started booing*

DD Dulan: Ahem. . . . I know the people have voted for me, but can I be refrained from doing this stunt please? I have, eh, weak kidneys.

Guo Da Liang: I am very sorry Dulan, but for the sake of charity I’m sure you don’t mind sacrificing. Anyway, the peanuts will be served in a gold-plated bowl so I’m sure you will enjoy it, haha.

(Dulan gets escorted to a corner of the studio where he starts munching peanuts in a sibeh dulan manner)

Cao Ji Dan: While Dulan is busy eating peanuts, let’s move on to the second stunt of the night, which happens to be rather dangerous: The chosen celebrity have to juggle basketballs while somersaulting through a ring of fire. Please vote wisely!

(Big ass projector in the background begins projecting a series of celebrities again, before finally stopping at a certain well-known philanthropher)

Guo Da Liang: My goodness! The celebrity with the most number of votes is Mr DD Dulan again!

Cao Ji Dan: Oh my. . . . As Mr Dulan is still busy with his peanuts, we will get Mr Ricky Yong Tau Foo, who had the second highest number of votes to perform the stunt instead. A round of applause for Mr Yong Tau Foo please!

Yong Tau Foo: Hello everyone, I am Ricky Yong Tau Foo. *For some unknown reason the audience started booing again*

Yong Tau Foo: Eh, actually I don’t know why I’m on this show. I came only because Dulan asked me to, so can I not do the stunt please?

Guo Da Liang: Wah, you like listen to everything Dulan says sia.

Cao Ji Dan: In that case. . . . Eh, Mr Dulan, if you tell Mr Yong to perform the stunt, you just need to eat half of the peanuts.

DD Dulan: Ok!

DD Dulan: Yong Tau Foo, faster go do the stunt now!

Yong Tau Foo: Walau, Dulan you back-stab me sia. But since you told me to, I must do it. *Yong Tau Foo proceeds to juggle balls*

Cao Ji Dan: Ok folks, we have come to the last stunt of the night! The chosen celebrity will have to walk from Takashimaya to Far East Plaza. On a tight rope.

Guo Da Liang: Now that is really very tough! I think it takes really great courage from our celebrities to do all these stunts.

Cao Ji Dan: Indeed. But they should have no complaints because they are doing it for charity! Now let’s see how you people have voted!

(Big ass projector in the background begins projecting a series of celebrities again. It stopped at a certain well-known presenter this time)

Cao Ji Dan: . . . . What the ?!?!

Guo Da Liang: My goodness, the audience has spoken! Ji Dan, you have been chosen to do the stunt, which should be no big deal because you are a very charitable man, haha. . . .

Cao Ji Dan: . . . . Eh. . . eh. . . . I just remember I have something urgent to attend to at home! Although I am a very charitable man, I have to leave now because I have to catch my flight back to Taiwan, haha. . . . Please donate generously k? *Hurries off*

Guo Da Liang: Eh, that was unexpected to say the least. Anyway, I have very bad news for you folks: You people are very stingy. We have only received 5 million calls so far, which is well short of our target of 50 million calls. Since we are running out of time, our hope of hitting the target rest with the peanuts stunt that Mr Dulan is performing. Can we zoom in on how he is doing now please?

(Camera zooms in on DD Dulan, who is shown being force-fed with peanuts by the camera crew)

Guo Da Liang: *Tears* My goodness, this is such a touching scene! For the sake of charity, Mr Dulan has shoved 9,348 peanuts into his mouth already! But for the sake of charity, I’m sure you folks will call even more generously if he manage to reach 10,000 peanuts right? So Mr Dulan, are you willing to risk it for charity?

DD Dulan: Muummmm. . . . Mummmmm. . . .

Guo Da Liang: My goodness, Mr Dulan can’t reply because his mouth is full! But I think he meant yes, because he is a very charitable man. Crew, more peanuts for Mr Dulan please!

(Camera crew shoves another few hundred peanuts into Dulan’s mouth)

Guo Da Liang: Let’s do a count now! 9,997 peanuts, 9,998 peanuts, 9,999 peanuts. . . . 10,000 peanuts :D!!!! Yes folks, Mr DD Dulan has done it! He has shoved 10,000 peanuts into his mouth! Can we hear something from the very charitable man please?

DD Dulan: *Coughs out peanuts from his nostrils* . . . . Yes, it was a very tough stunt, but I managed to complete it because I work hard for my charity. Please donate generously, folks!

Guo Da Liang: Indeed, it’s heartening to know that we have such charitable people around us. Anyway, we have to stop the show because we are running out of time. Thanks for your generous donations, we hope you will do so again next year!

DD Dulan: Wait wait! What am I supposed to do with the remaining 590,000 peanuts huh?

Guo Da Liang: Don’t worry Mr Dulan, we have made special arrangements for you to finish your peanuts in our studio at Changi. I’m sure you will enjoy your stay there, haha.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian