The long and short about Interview Tips

Nerd is coming over for an interview tomorrow.

I think he is crazy because he could be getting a career elsewhere with his Second Uppers instead of getting a dead-end job at my dead-end company. But he said all his friends are here (ie Office Bimbo and me), and he likes our company.

Oh well.

Despite my misgivings about his career move, I was nice enough to teach him the finer points of aceing interviews so that he can, eh, ace his interview. Since I am a Very Generous Boy, I shall share the tips with everyone here too :)


Interview Tip #01: Resume-Writing
The resume is undoubtedly the second most important item in securing an interview. The most important item is of course Very Rich & Well-Connected Parents, but since most of us are born without Very Rich & Well-Connected Parents, let’s just focus on the resume.

A well-written resume should showcase and highlight your strengths while downplaying your weaknesses. Which means you probably will have to lie a lot. This is not really a very difficult process as I will show in the following example: if you were a free-rider who leeched off your project-mates during your schooling days, you can say you are a person who believes in team work. On the other hand, if you are those anti-social loner type, you can say you are able to work independently without supervision.

You should also beautify your resume by sticking your neo-prints, and maybe staple a $10 note if you are not very confident of landing the job. If nothing goes wrong, you will be called up for an interview soon!

Interview Tip #02: Be Fashionably Late
First impressions are very important because they are the first impression people form of you when they first meet you. So it is very important to form a very good first impression.

You can start by being fashionable late for the interview. As a guideline, anything between 30 minutes and 2 hours sounds like a good idea. This is to show the interviewer that you are not hard-up for the job, which will increase the chance of them offering you a better pay package so as to obtain your services.

Interview Tip #03: Be Dressed Appropriately
For the ladies out there, your chances of creating a good and deep impression will be even better if you happen to be wearing a deep low-cut blouse, as suggested by the very magnificent FF. Guys can try the same stunt, though I must add that the results will vary according to the gender and sexual inclination of your interviewer.

When dressing up, also try to avoid the usual color combinations of black-white-grey when attending interviews. The reason for this is because everybody else will be wearing them, and that makes it hard for you to stand out in the eyes of the interviewers. I would suggest rich purple, lime-green, or mustard yellow instead. Or any combination of the three colors.

Interview Tip #05: Show The Right Body Language
As a rule of thumb, it is always a good idea to yawn during interviews. This shows that you are a very active individual instead of those slackers who waste their time by sleeping too much. In fact, it is even better if you can doze off during the interview, because it shows that you have a lot, a lot of guts.

I would also recommend that you play with your DS Lite/ PSP/ handphone during the interview to show off your excellent multi-tasking abilities. You might even want to have your lunch during the interview to show that you really know how to optimize your time. But please don't be a cock: do remember to offer some of your laksa.

Interview Tip #06: Be Assertive
Nobody like wussies, so it is very important to impress upon your interviewers that you are a man who will not take ‘No’ for an answer. For example, if they offer you $2500 a month, you should shout “NO!” and demand for $3000 instead. Then if they accede to your request you should shout “NO!” again and counter demand for $4000. I know it sounds a little bit ridiculous, but that’s how the business works.

If they want to play punk and give you the standard line of “We will contact you soon”, you should stand your ground and demand that they offer you a contract of employment on the spot. Show your assertiveness by telling them you will not leave until they do so, and lay out your sleeping bag in the interview room just to show your sincerity. You should also barricade the door before they can summon the guards in.


If nothing goes wrong, you will be gainfully employed very soon :)


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. I sincerely wish Nerd the best of luck because I heard Ms Tan will be interviewing him. Heh.