The long and short about The Tips Of The 28 Year Old Virgin

This seems unreal to me, but in a few minutes’ time, I am going to be 28.

Twenty-freaking-eight-years-old!

While turning 28 is not really that big a deal, I do find it amazing that I managed to keep my virginity intact for more than ten thousand days. Being a very selfless person, let me share some tips with you on how you can be a long time virgin too :)


Tip #01) Don’t get a girlfriend
The rationale for this is very simple. If you are a guy and do not have a girlfriend, it is going to be difficult losing your virginity. If you are a girl who is reading this and wish to remain a virgin, simply do the opposite and not get a boyfriend.

Tip #02) Don’t get a boyfriend
If you are a guy and do not have a boyfriend, it is going to be difficult losing your virginity too.

Tip #03) Try to stay at home alone as often as possible
Going by the logic of Tip #01 and Tip #02, a very good way of not getting a girlfriend or boyfriend is by staying at home alone. Do not indulge in social activities such as wining and dining because you might end up making friends, and goodness knows what might happen next. You might end up with a girlfriend, and you know what that means.

Tip #04) If you have to go out, go to homely places like the library
Actually, this is not a very good tip because I’ve seen kids making out at Toa Payoh library.

Tip #05) Sell your TV
The TV is a very, very sinful thing. Every time I switch it on, I’ll be hit by a Triumph bra advert every few seconds or so. Repeat after me: the TV is very, very sinful because it puts very, very sinful thoughts into your head. In fact I think it will be a wise idea to sell your computer along with the TV too.

Tip #06) Stop taking public transport
Very often, I am an unwilling witness to very public displays of affection by affectionate couples while taking the train home. I really wish the guy would stop necking his girl, because he is making me feel very deprived and jealous this kind of things should be done at home or Toa Payoh library.

Tip #07) Stop taking private transport
I don’t have one, but I heard that guys who have fancy car(s) will usually get fancy girlfriends as well. According to Tip #01, you might end up losing your virginity if you have a girlfriend, so going by this train of thought, it makes sense not to have private transport. This seems to be in conflict with Tip #06, because if you can’t take public and private transport, what are you going to do if you need to go somewhere? If you don’t know the answer to this riddle, simply re-read Tip #03.


As I am desperately trying to lose my virginity, I resolve to do the reverse of the above tips. With the exception of Tip #02 of course. Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian