The long and short about The D&D Part IV

The carefully starched shirt, ironed pants and silk tie that I prepared almost came to naught when I received an SMS from Sushi Eating Friend that goes “I forgot to tell you that the theme for the D&D tonight is World Cup.”

That got me all panicky because being a not very sporty person, the only sportswear I own is this very old and yellow singlet and shorts combo that I wear for the occasional jog. I told Sushi Eating Friend about it, and we decided I will stick with the formal attire, based on the rationale that not all guests will arrive as Mr Italys or Miss Argentinas, and based also on the fact she doesn’t want to go to the D&D with a Mr Garang Guni.

But one good thing about this World Cup theme was that in view of my recent misadventure at the Japanese salon , maybe I’ll be mistaken as a football star instead of a BMT recruit at Tekong.



Uncle, one Kopi-si!


To be frank, I have been feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing because I was really worried I will lose my only female friend if I mess things up. But I also know Sushi Eating Friend will have me for lunch if I back out at the last minute. And so with a heavy heart, a sprinkling of cologne and a funny feeling in the stomach, I set forth for the hotel ballroom.

When I reached the reception area, I realized it will be hard to realize my plan of remaining inconspicuous because everyone really did came as Mr Italys or Miss Argentinas. Sushi Eating Friend, in particular, made me rather hot and bothered with her Miss Korea outfit:



Hot


Just in case you are wondering, I was in no way distracted from my duty of being the Fake Boyfriend. Please, I am very professional. I was also reminded of my sacred task when I was introduced to the married and pot-bellied superior who has been harassing her. Maybe it was the World Cup theme, but I must say he bore a strong resemblance to a certain football legend.



From World Cup to World Belly


I think Mr Fat don’t like me very much because he kept asking whether if Sushi Eating Friend and I are indeed a couple, how we met at uni, and why do I not have a car when he has already been driving his Mercedes for years. Or maybe he was just being friendly because he tried to initiate quite a few conversations with me.


Mr Fat: I think I will pass on the shark’s fin soup. It is a very cruel delicacy, and I am very much against cruelty to animals. (Flashes a smile to Sushi Eating Friend, who had declined her shark’s fin soup earlier)

Mr Fat: Mr Sian, don’t you think it is cruel to drink shark’s fin soup?

Me: Huh? (I wasn’t really listening because I was concentrating on my very delicious bowl of shark’s fin soup)

Mr Fat: I was asking what do you have to say about shark’s fin soup.

Me: Oh! Eh. . . . since you are not having any, can I have another serving?


I don’t know why, but he didn’t try to chat with me after that.

Anyway, I think the guys were very listless throughout the D&D because from the jerseys that they were wearing, I think they would very much rather be at home watching the England-Paraguay match instead. The emcee was also making a lot of very, very lame jokes, and I think the only time everyone was entertained was when the CEO slaughtered Air Supply’s Making Love Out Of Nothing At All at the karaoke.

Then came the dreaded games section. Mr Emcee was asking for volunteers, and of all people he had to ask for the ‘guy in shirt and tie sitting next to Maradona’. I dragged Sushi Eating Friend to the stage with me because I was not going to suffer humiliation alone.

I think Mr Emcee usually performs at kindergartens because after making me stand on a chair and blindfolding Sushi Eating Friend, he wants her to stick this donkey tail thingy to my backside. I think I am really bad in giving instructions because Sushi Eating Friend kept missing the spot.


Me: A little bit to the left!

Sushi Eating Friend: (Misses) Where?

Me: Eh… a little bit to the right!

Sushi Eating Friend: (Misses) Where?!?!?!

Me: Come a little bit closer to me first!


And it was then when I couldn’t control it, and let rip a loud fart right in front of Sushi Eating Friend’s face.

Needless to say, I didn't get my kiss goodbye that night. In fact, I don't think I won’t be invited to any of her other social functions any time soon.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian