The long and short about Crime Watcher

Diana Sher: Good evening everyone. I am Diana Sher, and welcome to another episode of Crime Watcher.

Diana Sher: We are proud to have with us tonight, Inspector Christopher Keanu DeSouza from Jalan Sibeh Ulu station.

Christopher Keanu DeSouza: Hi everyone, I am DeSouza. You can call me DeSouza. *Flashes white pearlies. Cue swooning from ladies in the audience*

Diana: And a very good evening to you, Inspector DeSouza. Sir, would you like to go through what we will be covering in tonight’s program?

DeSouza: My pleasure, Diana. Tonight, we will go through some recent case studies on local crime that was committed locally by local and non-local criminals, and give you some general tips on crime prevention. We also seek your assistance with an unsolved crime, which we will present at the end of this program.

Diana: Without further ado, let’s examine our first case for the night. The recent hot spell in Singapore has sparked an undesirable phenomena in our city-state: There has been a sharp spike in the number of people walking around naked in their flats in the second quarter of this year.

DeSouza: Indeed, being a conservative Asian society, we are very, very disturbed. Tonight, we will examine the case of Ms Suzy Ong, famed local buxomy TV starlet, who was caught showing off her brown bits in her apartment on several occasions.


Studio TV starts showing a video montage of Ms Suzy Ong, who upon reaching home, stripped to absolutely nothing and started using the hoola hoop. Audible gasps were heard from the audience, with a few male members rushing off to the washroom, presumably to avert their eyes from the immoral sight


Diana: That was very disturbing indeed. It’s outrageous to think that a young, nubile and attractive woman of stature such as Ms Ong would walk around her apartment naked. Can you advise us on the follow up action to this despicable act, Inspector DeSouza?

Diana: Inspector DeSouza? *Nudges DeSouza, whose eyes remain transfixed to the video*

DeSouza: Oh! Ahem. *clears throat* Apologies, I was shocked beyond words by the show of decadence despite having watched this for the umpteen time due to professional reasons.

DeSouza: Anyway, rest assured that we are taking a very serious view of this situation, and have summoned Ms Ong to the station for several interviews already. Unfortunately, no complaints have been made regarding Ms Ong’s appearances, and as such, no charges have been pressed yet. But to prevent future occurrences, we have mounted additional patrols around Ms Ong’s residence, just to make sure we are there to catch her red-handed if she decides to disrobe again.

Diana: Thanks, Inspector DeSouza, I am glad to hear we are taking such a proactive approach for the case.

Diana: Moving on, let us now examine a case of fraud. Recently, there have been reports of Orchard shoppers being approached by a group of people claiming to be talent scouts for a certain modeling agency.

DeSouza: Their modus operandi are as follows: When approached, the victims will be told that the agency is looking for unconventional looking models for an upcoming project. Using lures of fame and high monetary returns, the victims are then convinced to part with a four-figure sum as part of the mandatory make-over package and port-folio.


Studio TV starts showing a video interview with an unnamed victim, whose eyes were mosaic-ed to protect his identity.

Unidentified Victim: I thought I was going to be a model, but the agent rejected all my calls after I gave him the initial deposit that is equivalent of 500 packs of chicken rice. I hope you will not be as stupid as me, otherwise you will be sibeh sian too.*End of video interview*


Diana: That is very sad indeed. And I must add that the syndicate is extremely cruel to give false hopes to someone who is obviously so buck-ugly.

DeSouza: They are very cruel indeed. We would like to advise all members of the public to grow a brain and not be taken in so easily.

DeSouza: And now we come to the final portion of tonight’s program. We would like to seek your assistance in solving the following unsolved crime that has yet to be solved.

Diana: On the early morning of 24 July 2006, a bus conductor was viciously assaulted after a passenger refused to show her EZY-Link pass when requested.


Studio TV starts showing the re-enactment of the crime scene. The bus conductor was shown nudging the aggressor, who was napping when the incident occurred. Upon waking up with a start at the nudge, the aggressor screamed “I no money for you to rob lah!” before delivering a swift elbow to the victim’s nuts. She then scurries off when the bus reached Toa Payoh Lorong 1 wet market, and taunted “Don’t play play with old folks ah!” at the victim, who lay in pain and agony on the dirty bus floor


DeSouza: Following investigations, we have identified the suspect as Madam Lao Ah Mah, aged 86. She stands at a formidable 1.5m, and weighs approximately 40kg. Please call our hotline if you have seen the suspect. We also advise you to keep a distance and not to provoke the suspect, who is armed with a deadly steel-tipped walking cane.

Diana: And that wraps up our program tonight. I am Diana Sher, and I hope you have enjoyed tonight’s Crime Watcher.

DeSouza: Remember: low crime doesn’t mean no crime. Good night. *Flashes white pearlies*


With Love,
Sibeh Sian