The long and short about The Answers To Very Difficult Questions

I wanted to make it up to Sushi Eating Friend for pissing her off the other day (even though I have absolutely no idea what I did to piss her off) by treating her to a nice and expensive dinner last night. Midway through our plate of char kway teow, she asked me casually what was so nice about my Sexy New Colleague.

And that was when I committed one of the deadliest mistakes a man can make: I answered truthfully.

I’m not trying to advocate dishonesty here, but seriously, I have got my fingers burnt more than once because I have been such an honest kid from young till now. My secondary school math teacher asked who cheated in the mid terms and I pointed at the class ah beng; my poly crush asked me if I think she was fat and I said yes; the auntie at the MRT asked who farted in the cabin and I stupidly raised my hand. In retrospect, it’s amazing that I’ve never been maimed in any way.

But being a Man of Action, I have reflected on my past errors and came up with a list of ready answers for the most difficult and potentially life-threatening questions in life. As I also happen to be a Man Who Share, I shall share my little bits of wisdom with you folks today:


Difficult Question #01: Am I fat?
The answer to this question depends a lot on the gender of the asker. Fortunately, males don’t go around asking people if they find them fat because guys have a very fragile ego, so technically speaking only girls will ask this question. Just in case you are wondering, there is only one correct answer, and that answer is ‘No’. Unfortunately, girls are genetically programmed to try their best to extract a ‘Yes’ from you, and will ask this question many, many times just so that you will answer in the affirmative. But heavens forbid, don’t ever fall into their trap because if you do, you will get into very, very deep trouble, especially if you live near each other. For example, they might burn down the nearby KFC you get your 3-piece meal from.

Difficult Question #02: That girl is very pretty right?
The answer to this question also depends a lot on the gender of the asker. If the asker is male, go ahead and give your honest opinion. If the asker is female, and also happen to be your Significant Other, it’s wiser to play your cards wisely and say ‘no, not very pretty lah.’ If you make the mistake of answering otherwise, you will be in deep trouble because she will starting thinking a) that girl is prettier than me; b) I need more beauty products; c) he don’t love me already; d) I think he is having an affair with her; e) I’m going to snip that bastard’s ku ku bird off. The last line of thought is obviously an exaggeration, but hey, let’s not take chances when your Father’s Day is at stake.

Difficult Question #03: If me and your mum fall into the ocean, who will you rescue huh?
I’m sure you will realize now that the answer to this question also depends a lot on the gender of the asker. If the asker is male, tell him to take up swimming lessons asap. If the asker is female and happens to be your mum, the correct answer is ‘Mum’. If the asker is your Significant Other, then the correct answer is ‘You’. If your mum and your Significant Other happen to ask you the same question at the same time, the correct answer is ‘I need to go to the toilet now’.

Difficult Question #04: Am I fat?
I told you they like to ask this question many, many times.


Despite my wisdom, I failed to give the ‘correct answer’ to Sushi Eating Friend because her question was not among the questions I have listed above, and thus have not formulated a ‘Best Answer’ for. So I told her Sexy New Colleague was nice because she was a very hardworking gal who got all sweaty and disheveled while correcting a screw-up at the office with me on Saturday night. I don’t know what I said wrong but Sushi Eating Friend got so pissed she stormed off without finishing her char kway teow.

I really, really don’t understand women!


With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian