The long and short about The 2012 Olympics Games

Mark Richman: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and a very warm welcome to the closing ceremony of the 2012 Singapore Olympic Games. I am Mark Richman, your host for tonight, and with me is the very sporty and outgoing Jade Jia.

Jade Jia: Oh hi everyone, I am Jade Jia! *Flashes megawatt smile*

Mark Richman: For those of you who have just joined us in this live telecast, you are witnessing history in the making! Our city state managed to amass an unprecedented haul of 2 gold medals, and we are closing it with a big bang tonight right here at the National Stadium.

Jade Jia: Yes Mark, it has been the most incredible games indeed. At the same time though, I’m feeling a tinge of sadness because this will be the last event that is being held at our beloved National Stadium before its closure for demolition.

Mark Richman: I know exactly how you feel Jade, but not to worry. I have been to the last few ‘last events’ that the National Stadium hosted, and I’ve always felt cheated, er, I meant inspired afterwards because they just keep having those ‘last events’. I think the National Stadium is the very epitome of the Singaporean ‘Never Say Die’ spirit!

Jade Jia: Very well said Mark! You make me feel like singing Count On Me Singapore now!

Mark Richman: Well Jade, you make me feel like Mari Kita, eh, I meant feel like singing Mari Kita too, haha. . . . Anyway, let’s have a recap of the most memorable events in the games before the closing ceremony begin!

Jade Jia: The most talked about event is of course the Men’s Marathon, in which Singapore won its first ever Olympic gold medal by Olympian Goh Ah Kim.

Mark Richman: In what was one of the most controversial moves in the history of Olympics, several athletes were disqualified mid-way through the race after they were caught littering.





Jade Jia: For their blatant disregard for our country’s image as a Clean and Green city, not only were they disqualified from the race, they were also fined $500 each.

Mark Richman: Racing associations around the world have been crying foul over what they perceive to be draconian measures by the Singaporean authorities. But just between you and me Jade, I think they got away lightly because if they were in Malaysia, they would have been charged with sodomy.

Jade Jia: Indeed Mark. Anyway, thanks to the many years of civic education, our very own Goh Ah Kim was the first athlete to cross the finishing line without breaking any rules and won the well deserved gold medal. Kudos to him!

Mark Richman: Moving on, Singapore made history when 2WO (RET) Hock Kian Peng became the oldest Olympic gold medalist ever when he won the Men’s Archery.

Mark Richman: In our interview with the 60 year-old 2WO (RET) Hock after his win, he revealed his exceptional archery skills were honed during his stint in the armed forces, where he used a lot of eye power and arrowed his subordinates into doing unpleasant duties on a daily basis.

Jade Jia: 2WO (RET) Hock’s triumph was however overshadowed when he was caught making out with the very buxomy Ms Coral Chen of the beach volleyball team after supper in the Olympic Village.





Mark Richman: Come to think of it Jade, didn’t you lose to Ms Chen in the finals of Miss Sembawang Universe a few years back?

Jade Jia: Oh, we are like the best of friends now! In fact, looking at her in her well-filled bikini top and tanned complexion makes me feel like hitting the beach right now!

Mark Richman: . . . . Eh Jade, you didn’t just say something offensive on national TV right?

Jade Jia: Huh? What are you talking about?

Mark Richman: I swore I heard you referring to Ms Chen as a bitch!

Jade Jia: . . . . I meant ‘beach’, you dumb f%#k!

Mark Richman: . . . . Eh, I think it’s time for a commercial break!


. . . . (five minutes later). . . .


Mark Richman: Hello everyone, and a very warm welcome back to the live telecast of the closing ceremony of the 2012 Singapore Olympics!

Mark Richman: Due to unforeseen circumstances, the lovely Ms Jade Jia have to leave us tonight. But not to worry, you still have me, haha.

Mark Richman: And joining me now is Mr Pierre Dom Perrier, our Chef de Mission for the Olympics!





Pierre Dom Perrier: Bonjour! I’m Pierre, your Chef de Mission, but I won’t be cooking anything tonight. Haha, just kidding. But I really won’t be cooking anything. No kidding!

Mark Richman: So Mr Perrier, how would you rate the performance of our athletes in this Olympics?

Pierre Dom Perrier: Mon dieu! After the gold-winning feats in the Men’s Marathon and Archery, I can only describe our performance as terrible!

Mark Richman: Huh?!?!? Eh, Mr Perrier can you care to explain that please?

Pierre Dom Perrier: You see, given that the maudite vache USA athletes get only a puny USD$25,000 for a gold medal compared to our $1 million, it is inconceivable that we only manage to achieve 2 gold medals while the trou du cul are winning a whole lot more. In fact, it is very shameful, and we have already decided to take punitive actions against the managers and coaches of our Olympic winning teams.

Mark Richman: Wow, that’s a interesting school of thought, to say the least. Mr Perrier, can you share with us then what are the initiatives that our sports council will be taking to improve our chances in the next Olympics?

Pierre Dom Perrier: Très bon, I glad you asked! For starters, instead of wasting money on sports that are dominated by the Caucasians and Africans such as athletics, we will focus on events that the small-framed Singaporeans excel in. In fact, we have already made a formal request to the International Olympic Council to include events such as the Subaru Challenge, the Great Singapore Sale, and Singapore Idol in the 2016 Games, which we will proudly host on Pulau Ubin. Bon appétit!

Mark Richman: That’s great news Mr Perrier!

Pierre Dom Perrier: If you think that’s great, there’s more goodies to come! You are going to find this unbelievable, but we have actually managed to convince Michael Schumacher to come out of retirement and lead our F1 team in the 2016 Olympics!

Mark Richman: Wow, that’s very exiting Sir, but I think F1 is not an Olympic event.

Pierre Dom Perrier: Is it? I ne donnent pas une merde! Haha.

Pierre Dom Perrier: Anyway, you will be excited to know that we have identified the primary reason why we can’t perform at the Olympics: our declining birth rate. The logic is quite simple actually. When you don’t have enough babies, you don’t have enough athletes, and so no Olympic medals. Logique!

Mark Richman: And how do you propose we increase the birth rate, Mr Perrier?

Pierre Dom Perrier: Si simple! We erect more ERP gantries!

Mark Richman: Huh?!?!!!??

Pierre Dom Perrier: Don’t be so shocked Mark, détendre! You see, getting stuck in a traffic is a very stressful event, and stress are known to have an adverse effect on your sperms. And when you are stuck in the jam, it also represents an opportunity lost as you could be spending the time making sweet faire l'amour with your wife or mistress instead. Heh.

Pierre Dom Perrier: So by having more ERP gantries, traffic jams will be reduced, people will be busy making babies, and we will eventually get our Olympic glory!

Mark Richman: Wow, I’m totally convinced by your arguments Mr Perrier. Anyway, it’s time for us to stop our commentary and begin the closing ceremony proper. Thanks a lot for your time, Mr Perrier!

Pierre Dom Perrier: No problem Mark! And to the wonderful audience at home, au revoir, fils de pute!

Mark Richman: And a very warm good bye to you too, Mr cheesepie lanjiao bin! This is Mark Richman, signing out!


With Love,
Sibeh Sian