The Misadventures of Sibeh Sian

You can call me Sian. Sibeh Sian.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The long and short about The Answers To Very Difficult Questions

I wanted to make it up to Sushi Eating Friend for pissing her off the other day (even though I have absolutely no idea what I did to piss her off) by treating her to a nice and expensive dinner last night. Midway through our plate of char kway teow, she asked me casually what was so nice about my Sexy New Colleague.

And that was when I committed one of the deadliest mistakes a man can make: I answered truthfully.

I’m not trying to advocate dishonesty here, but seriously, I have got my fingers burnt more than once because I have been such an honest kid from young till now. My secondary school math teacher asked who cheated in the mid terms and I pointed at the class ah beng; my poly crush asked me if I think she was fat and I said yes; the auntie at the MRT asked who farted in the cabin and I stupidly raised my hand. In retrospect, it’s amazing that I’ve never been maimed in any way.

But being a Man of Action, I have reflected on my past errors and came up with a list of ready answers for the most difficult and potentially life-threatening questions in life. As I also happen to be a Man Who Share, I shall share my little bits of wisdom with you folks today:

Difficult Question #01: Am I fat?
The answer to this question depends a lot on the gender of the asker. Fortunately, males don’t go around asking people if they find them fat because guys have a very fragile ego, so technically speaking only girls will ask this question. Just in case you are wondering, there is only one correct answer, and that answer is ‘No’. Unfortunately, girls are genetically programmed to try their best to extract a ‘Yes’ from you, and will ask this question many, many times just so that you will answer in the affirmative. But heavens forbid, don’t ever fall into their trap because if you do, you will get into very, very deep trouble, especially if you live near each other. For example, they might burn down the nearby KFC you get your 3-piece meal from.

Difficult Question #02: That girl is very pretty right?
The answer to this question also depends a lot on the gender of the asker. If the asker is male, go ahead and give your honest opinion. If the asker is female, and also happen to be your Significant Other, it’s wiser to play your cards wisely and say ‘no, not very pretty lah.’ If you make the mistake of answering otherwise, you will be in deep trouble because she will starting thinking a) that girl is prettier than me; b) I need more beauty products; c) he don’t love me already; d) I think he is having an affair with her; e) I’m going to snip that bastard’s ku ku bird off. The last line of thought is obviously an exaggeration, but hey, let’s not take chances when your Father’s Day is at stake.

Difficult Question #03: If me and your mum fall into the ocean, who will you rescue huh?
I’m sure you will realize now that the answer to this question also depends a lot on the gender of the asker. If the asker is male, tell him to take up swimming lessons asap. If the asker is female and happens to be your mum, the correct answer is ‘Mum’. If the asker is your Significant Other, then the correct answer is ‘You’. If your mum and your Significant Other happen to ask you the same question at the same time, the correct answer is ‘I need to go to the toilet now’.

Difficult Question #04: Am I fat?
I told you they like to ask this question many, many times.

Despite my wisdom, I failed to give the ‘correct answer’ to Sushi Eating Friend because her question was not among the questions I have listed above, and thus have not formulated a ‘Best Answer’ for. So I told her Sexy New Colleague was nice because she was a very hardworking gal who got all sweaty and disheveled while correcting a screw-up at the office with me on Saturday night. I don’t know what I said wrong but Sushi Eating Friend got so pissed she stormed off without finishing her char kway teow.

I really, really don’t understand women!

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Monday, January 29, 2007

The long and short about I Am Very Proud Of My Colleagues

I admit I don’t enjoy my work very much, but my faith in the company was given a huge boost over the weekend.

I was happily watching 大長今 on Channel 8 last Saturday night, when I received a nasty call from Ms Tan to go back to the office to rectify some screw-ups. I was very sad because I had to bid 長今 goodbye, and because I spent a good $9.40 on the blardy cab fare.

Just when I was feeling lousy, I was rewarded by the sight of the New Colleague when I reached the office. I think she was back to correct the screw-up too because she was sweaty and her hair was dishevelled. Before I could say my hello, I was even more surprised when I saw my Boss behind her!

My Boss asked what I was doing in the office on a Saturday night, so I told him about the screw-up that needed correcting. He gave me a pad on the back and smilingly said that was what he and New Colleague were back for too. The two then left hurriedly, probably because Boss didn’t want to miss 大長今 on TV.

Even though I was a bit upset at having to work on a Saturday night, I felt very happy because I know my Boss and New Colleague were just as committed to work as I was. Before he left, my Boss even told me not to tell the others in the office that he was in the office, because he did not want to pressure those who were not doing Saturday night overtime. This was a side of him I’ve never seen, and I was really impressed by his professional working ethics.

I am very happy that I have such a wonderful Boss :)

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Friday, January 26, 2007

The long and short about I Am In Big Trouble

Big Trouble #01:
I met up with Sushi Eating Friend yesterday, and told her about the many virtues of my New Colleague. For some reason, she got upset and stormed off. I really, really don’t understand women.

Big Trouble #02:
After Big Trouble #01, I went for a late dinner at KFC. For some reason, the chicken didn’t taste as nice. What the hell is wrong with me :(?!?!

Why do I get this feeling I’m not going to enjoy the weekends?

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The long and short about The New Colleague III

She has only been here a week or so, but the New Colleague had made some people in the office very happy, and some of them very unhappy. To be more specific, she has been making all the guys happy and all the ladies unhappy.

I am not one to gossip, but here’s the stuff I picked up over breakfast at the pantry:

Random Male Colleague A: I’m not too sure about her ability with financial figures, but she has a very, very nice figure. Heh heh heh.

Random Male Colleague B: I noticed she likes lacy bras. Heh heh heh.

Office Bimbo: She is a slut! *pouts*

Ms Tan: She has taken over the position of being the most inefficient person in the office. Congrats, Sian.

Toilet Cleaning Auntie: You better don’t make a mess at the toilet again.

Even more malicious are the cruel rumors that have been going around at the office: they think something fishy is going on between the New Colleague and my Boss. They based their assumptions on the fact that she was appointed to a senior position even though she doesn’t have much relevant experience, because she got her degree from Yunnan State University, and because one person saw her drinking with the Boss at some club the other night.

Like I say, I am not a person to gossip, and is thus appalled by their groundless assumptions. I mean, just because she graduated from some hair care university doesn’t mean she can’t be a good worker. I am a Man with an Open Mind, and I shall keep my mind open. Figuratively of course.

Got to go now. The New Colleague just told me, in a nice, sweet voice that she has made a cup of coffee for me :)

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Monday, January 22, 2007

The long and short about The New Colleague II

Alas, I’ve found out that the new colleague came not from the heartlands like Yio Chu Kang or Clementi, but rather the faraway province of Beijing. As such, the chances of her being LMD is practically zero. Oh well.

As the New Colleague is drop dead gorgeous, all the guys in the office have been making moves on her, except for me. Being the honorable man I am, I refuse to mix business with pleasure, and thus did not resort to the underhand methods I witnessed for the past few days, such as the old trick of buying free breakfast and tea. Unlike those cowards, all I did was to accidentally bump into her at the pantry from time to time :)

I hate to sound hao lian here, but I think the New Colleague has been very impressed by me so far. During one of our chats at the pantry, the awestruck girl asked me how I managed to endure it after I emerged unscathed from 30 minutes’ worth of a screaming session at Ms Tan’s office. I flicked my hair, and coolly replied it was nothing to a man like me, who have witnessed 1 hour’s worth of screaming by Ms Tan. She also asked why I was so suay to kena kopi on my shirt twice in a week. I flicked my hair, and coolly replied that I was not stained twice, but because I was wearing the same shirt.

I think Lady Love is finally going to smile on me this time :D!

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The long and short about The New Colleague

Except for the fact I got drenched by kopi, walked into the Ladies by accident, and almost got hit by the MRT, there is absolutely nothing noteworthy happening in my life recently.

Until I read Little Miss Drinkalot’s entry.

I don’t if this means anything, but it happens that there’s a drop dead gorgeous new addition to the office this week. I’m keeping my fingers crossed because if you must know, I’ve been a big fan of LMD for the longest time. She’s so witty, sophisticated, sassy, and witty. I’m so inspired I’ve penned a poem for her:

To The Little Miss Who Drinks A Lot

Oh LMD, oh LMD!
You are a mystery! Just like me!
I find you awesome,
Even though you may not be wholly wholesome.
We have so much in common!
You like fine food while I adore KFC.
I also cook an awesome meal,
Of instant spaghetti.

-Sibeh Sian
Spring, 2007

The only hitch though, is that I don’t drink a lot. In fact, I don’t drink at all.

But I sure hope she likes poetry :)

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

P.S. Thanks for all the kind words you guys have for me regarding my previous post. Unfortunately, I can only try the advice on how to remove the kopi stains this weekend, because I still need to wear the shirt till the end of the week :)

Monday, January 15, 2007

The long and short about The Toilet Cleaning Auntie

(I promise this will be the last entry on my very revolting Misadventures of Sibeh ‘Constipated’ Sian. Unless I get constipation again. Heh.)

. . . .

I felt very bad for making the Toilet Cleaning Auntie clean up my mess the other day. I really, really wanted to clean up, but fled in a moment of weakness because the stench was just too deadly.

To make up for it, I surprised her with some chee cheong fun and kopi this morning. She was very touched, and said it’s good to have nice young men like me around, who spares a thought for the aged even though we are caught up in a relentless rat race. She was grateful I was not like those selfish youngsters who steal her seat at the MRT, spits and litters, and leave a smelly mess for her to clean at the toilet.

After a very uncomfortable silence on my part, I said sorry, and told the Toilet Cleaning Auntie I was the irresponsible person who was responsible for the irresponsible mess.

And that’s the reason why I got scolded by Ms Tan for wearing a kopi-stained shirt to work today :(

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The long and short about My Savior

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m pleased to inform you that the bombs have finally landed around half an hour back. I feel as light as a butterfly now, though my you-know-where feels kind of sore.

For the record, the pineapples slices succeeded when the prune juice failed. I officially owe my life to *horrors* Office Bimbo.

Please excuse me while I go home for some rest and KFC.

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

P.S. I think the toilet auntie is not going to be very happy when she reports for work tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The long and short about Messages From Loved Ones

Day 6 that I’ve not shitted. I’m swearing off the yucky prune juice.

I have this nasty feeling that I’ll implode and appear on the front page of the Straits Times for a very lousy reason. As such, I’ve contacted all my loved, and some not very loved ones and told them about my possible demise.

My Mum: It was a bad mistake telling her her precious only son is dying, because she prepared some really yucky Chinese medicine that I must finish by tonight.

Sushi Eating Friend: I appealed to her for help with my dying wish of losing my virginity, but all she said was a very cryptic “Ha ha ha” before hanging up.

Nerd: I could have sworn he was crying over the phone when I told him the heartbreaking news. But he hanged up too when I asked if I could borrow his parallel imported PS3 for my remaining days.

Adrenaline: I’ve decided not to disturb her because she’s pregnant.

Office Bimbo: She was surprisingly kind, and offered to get some pineapple slices for me. Maybe she’s feeling guilty about not paying me the cab fare last time.

My Boss: Even though I was very serious, he just went “Hahaha you go hong gan lah you!”

Ms Tan: I asked her if I can take compassionate leave for myself. She cruelly replied no, and said I will work for her till I die. I hope she’s not serious.

Alas, it appears that there are not many kind people around me. Or perhaps I only have myself to blame for my predicament, for after a moment of weakness last night, I now have ten pieces of KFC in my stomach.

With Love,
Sibeh "Lorenzo" Sian

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The long and short about I Think Ms Tan Don’t Like Me Very Much

Day 5 that I’ve not shitted. This is getting serious.

I drank 200ml’s worth of prune juice as advised, and got ‘the feeling’ last evening. Alas, it was not meant to be, and I was in terrible pain while squatting in the loo. Trust me, it’s not funny when your backside feels like concrete is trying to pass through it.

Needless to say, I wore a constipated look at work all day yesterday (no pun intended). Actually, everyone in the office looked constipated regardless whether they were really constipated or not, probably because long weekends have ended and they have spent all their yearend bonus or something.

The only exception is Ms Tan. She was the only one who didn’t look like she hasn’t shitted in days. But that’s because she looked like she haven’t shitted in years. I was at the unfortunate end of yet another verbal lashing session in her office.

Ms Tan: I don’t care if you have to spend another weekend in the office. I want this done ASAP.

Me: Yes Mdm.

Ms Tan: Don’t you just “Yes Mdm” me every time. You better produce a better work for me this time.

Me: Yes Mdm.

Ms Tan: . . . . And what have you got to say for yourself for that client’s complaint on New Year’s day?

And that’s when I couldn’t bear it, and let ripped four days’ worth of very, very smelly gas in her office.

Oh well.

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Monday, January 08, 2007

The long and short about A Lousy Way To Start The Year

Barely a week into the new year, and I already have a very, very serious problem: I haven’t shitted for the past four days.

I’ve tried everything: bananas, Yakult, and even my mum’s Fibregel. But it just refuse to budge. I’ve considered medical help, but thought the better of it after hearing horror stories about having to bend over and get subjected to backside probing and scrutiny from Nerd.

I am in pure agony now because there’s at least eight pieces of KFC in the nether regions of my stomach. It is so bad I even rejected Office Bimbo when she asked me out for dinner during the weekend.

Please excuse me while I go stuff another banana in.

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The long and short about The New Year Post

If you are wondering where I disappeared to the past two weeks, here’s what happened: I was kidnapped by aliens while taking the train to work.

There were nine of them, and they happen to look exactly like the babes from Dead or Alive Extreme. After a week of sexual slavery, I was released with great reluctance on their part. I hope I won’t get pregnant.

Anyway, this is extremely belated, but I like to wish everyone a Happy New Year :D! I’m not too sure about you, but I’m a good boy and I’ve made my New Year resolutions already:

In the year 2007, I will:

1) I will lose my virginity.

2) I will stop having Cheezels for breakfast.

3) I will stop having Cheezels for lunch.

4) I will stop bringing the toilet rolls from the office loo home.

5) I will start exercising everyday every other day weekly.

6) I will start my driving lessons.

7) I will clear the expired KFC coupons from my wallet.

8) I will stop plucking my stubble in public.

9) I will stop procrastinating.

10) I will start working on my new year resolutions tomorrow the day after tomorrow.

With Love,
Sibeh “Lorenzo” Sian

P.S. On a more serious note, I can’t blog regularly until I get a new computer, and I’m risking my job again by typing this entry. Sponsors please? A Vaio TX series would be nice :)