The Misadventures of Sibeh Sian

You can call me Sian. Sibeh Sian.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The long and short about The Quick Update

I am sad to say my computer is still out of service. It is now in the caring hands of the technician in a Sim Lim shop, and I pray fervently that she, along with my precious collection of very artistic films (why do you people think it's porn?!?!?) will be well when I cradle her home tomorrow.

Just in case you are wondering, I am typing this in the office PC. Yes, it’s Sunday freaking 11:00pm, and as incredible as it sounds, I’ve actually been doing real work instead of loafing for the past week. Needless to say, I am very, very tired now. But not to worry, I should be on the cab home in about 10 minutes’ time, haha.

I hope Office Bimbo pays her share of cab fare this time.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The long and short about An Open Letter To My Computer

Dear Computer,

It has been a few days since we last spoke to each other, and despite the many misunderstandings that have happened between us, I sincerely hope you are feeling better.

Do you still remember how we met? It was three plus years ago at an IT show, and I made up my mind about making you mine because you were drop dead gorgeous and had a great figure: Pentium IV 2.8, 512MB RAM, GeForce 128MB. You may be old and haggard now, but I fondly remember the days when you were in all your 80GB worth of glory.

We started as a loving couple, we really did. Hand in hand, we slew the hordes of Diablo without blinking our eyes. We raised babies and made love to each others’ wives in Sims 2. We shared music unselfishly with faceless comrades in Timbuktu, and we chatted with balding lechers in ICQ.

You gave me your word and I gave you mine; a holy matrimony in the cyber times.

Alas! The good times were not meant to last! You started getting sluggish, started throwing tantrums from time to time. I missed a report deadline after you irresponsibly crashed out of town. You had amnesia, and forgot all about our precious memories of saved games, spreadsheets and photographs.

I thought I can endure all this, but since yesterday, you have inexplicably refused to start up. You made me commit adultery by typing this in the office com. You drove me up the wall, and you have won.

I know we can never be like before, but before you leave, I hope it’s not too much to ask you to return what is mine. If you will just start up once, I will take out and back up my precious collection of very, very artistic films that have accompanied me through the years. Please! I beg of you, I'm on my knees!

Goodbye, Computer.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Monday, November 20, 2006

The long and short about The Common Mistakes Dumpees Make After Getting Dumped

Mistake #01: Hang around places where you and your dumper used to hang around
Hanging out at such places will undoubtedly stir painful memories, which may in turn evoke suicidal thoughts. Going by this train of logic, it is a very bad idea to bring your dates home.

Mistake #02: Listen to songs
Sad songs will only make you sadder, so you shouldn’t listen to sad songs after getting dumped. Happy songs will make you feel like slapping happy people because you are not happy. Songs that are neither sad not happy will make you feel dulan. So please don’t listen to songs after getting dumped.

Mistake #03: Contact your dumper
If you got dumped unceremoniously, it is not a very good idea to contact your dumper. Unless he or she happens to owe you money. Lots of money.

Nerd committed all three mistakes in the span of an afternoon.

1) He did his exam revisions in the school library, where he and Heartless Girl used to hang out.

2) His heart ached for her after listening to “I Will Always Love You”, so he sent an SMS to her that went “If I still mean anything to you, I’m just a SMS away.”

3) She replied “Can you help me with my revisions?”, so Nerd spent the afternoon helping her.

4) Nerd thought they have patched back, but it turns out that she just wants him to help with revisions only.

Oh well.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Friday, November 17, 2006

The long and short about The Break Up, Redux

I can’t believe it! Heartless Girl has broke up with Nerd. Again. I am too shell-shocked to day anything now. More details on another day.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The long and short about The Patch Back

I can’t believe it! Heartless Girl has patched back with Nerd. I am still shell-shocked. More details tomorrow.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The long and short about Heartless Girls Part II

On behalf of Nerd, I would like to thank everyone for the love and concern shown. Although he has no idea there are so many people rooting for him, I’m sure he will be happy if he knows.

I finally got the full picture of what happened. Apparently, Nerd was giving a surprise supper for his Heartless Girl to cheer her on for the exams. It turned out that he was the one surprised instead because he caught her smooching this guy in her hostel room. I think I am a curse because that was what happened to Sushi Eating Friend a long time ago. Oh well.

Nerd is in a sad state. He didn’t have much appetite, so I gallantly helped him finish his fries and nuggets at Mc’s last night. I have a terrible feeling that he is going to fail his coming exams, because he has only done about 10% of his revisions. I hope he will not be like me, who almost had to repeat a semester after failing a module. We belong to a sad breed of nerds: even though we are nerdy, we are not very good at studies. Sigh.

After dinner I dragged him to KTV with the hope that he will sing his blues out. That turned out to be a bad idea because he started crying after singing 分手快樂. That happened again when he heard 我不難過 from some ah beng’s handphone when we were on the train. I know it is a very hard time for Nerd, but I really hope he will stop sobbing in public because everyone was looking at us in a weird manner.

I finally couldn’t bear it any longer and tried to knock some sense into him:

Me: Get it grip on yourself Nerd! This kind of girl is not worth your tears!

Nerd: You wouldn’t understand it Mr Sian. . . . (sob sob)

Me: Of course I understand! I’ve been rejected and cheated for many, many times before!

Nerd: You really wouldn’t understand it Mr Sian. . . .

Nerd: . . . .

Nerd: . . . . She took away my virginity le. . . . (sob sob. . . .)

I am officially the only virgin in my group of friends.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The long and short about Heartless Girls

I bear very, very terrible news today: After dating for two months, Nerd has officially been dumped by his Heartless Girl.

Nerd sounded suicidal, so I spent the entire night comforting him (over the phone, just in case you have a dirty mind). Because I was such a good friend, I was late for work this morning and bore the brunt of the unsympathetic Ms Tan’s wrath, who even said “Stop using your abnormal relationship as an excuse.”

It disgusts me to think that just a few days ago, I was thinking how I might spend the rest of my life with this woman. Pui! I shall one day make true of my promise to lace her coffee with laxatives.

Anyway, the breakup couldn’t come at a worse time because Nerd is starting his exams this Friday. I shall try my best to motivate him when we meet for dinner tonight. For starters, I will remind him that he will fail and get kicked out of uni if he can’t get over Heartless Girl. I will also refrain from asking insensitive questions, such as if he is still a virgin, for now.

Love can be such a cruel thing!

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Monday, November 13, 2006

The long and short about The Washing Machine

My washing machine broke down recently, so I made a trip with Mummy Dearest to look for a new one over the weekend.

We were very, very disturbed at the big-ass electronics store after discovering that some washers can cost up to $2000. I’m not sure about you, but if I have $2000 to spare, I will spend it on something more useful, such as a year’s worth of KFC.

I was thus very happy to chance upon a model which cost under $400. I was also very happy because the sales promoter was a Sweet Young Thing.

Me: May I know the capacity of the machine?

Sweet Young Sales Promoter: It’s 6kg, Sir, good enough to handle daily laundry for a family of four.

Me: Oh! That’s good! Haha, but it’s a family of two because I am still single, haha. . . .

At this point, I decided to impress Sweet Young Sales Promoter by asking an intellectual question to show I’ve done my home work about washing machines.

Me: I am very impressed by your professional knowledge! Before I commit to making a purchase, may I know where is the location of the detergent compartment? I’ve tried looking for it for the past few minutes, but couldn’t find it anyway in this washing machine, haha. . . .

Sweet Young Sales Promoter: . . . .

Sweet Young Sales Promoter: Sir, this is not a washing machine.

Sweet Young Sales Promoter: It’s a dryer.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The long and short about The Case Of The Mysterious Bean Curd Part III

I finally solved the case of the mysterious bean curd this morning. In Ms Tan’s office.

Me: Eh. . . . Ms Tan?

Ms Tan: What?

Me: Did you left a packet of bean curd on my desk last Thursday?

Ms Tan: Yes.

Ms Tan: . . . . Why?

Me: Oh! Eh, haha. . . . I was wondering who was so nice to me, haha. . . .

Ms Tan: I wasn’t being nice.

Ms Tan: It was the same packet of bean curd that you gave me two weeks back.

Ms Tan: I told you I don’t like bean curd.

I am seriously considering asking Ms Tan for my medical bills.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The long and short about Why You Should Date An Older Woman

Even the best plans made by a Man of Action can go haywire if the circumstances doesn’t allow for it. Although I’ve made up my mind to ask Ms Tan if she was the one who gave me the bean curd, I was unable to because she was sent on an urgent overseas working trip since Monday. She will be back tomorrow though, and I hope my queries will be answered then.

Anyway, I’ve been wondering what I should do if Ms Tan confesses her love for me. As with the situation I had with Office Bimbo, I think it’s a big no-no because it’s not a very good idea to take a shit in my own backyard. And with Ms Tan, there’s this added dimension of complexity because she is an Older Woman.

I hate to say this, but there’s a whole lot of social stigma attached to dating an Older Woman. While society is generally accepting of a guy dating a gal six or seven years his junior, the same cannot be said for the reverse. The last wedding dinner I was in, the guests started murmuring when it was made known that the bride was two years senior than the groom. This is bad because if we ever get married, the crowd might start rioting because Ms Tan is older than me by almost a decade.

I think this is very, very bad. Older Women are human too, and I think there should be no reason why they get stigmatized when Dirty Old Men bedding Sweet Young Things get away with it. I will take my small step in trying to change this perception by coming up with a list of reasons why you should date an Older Woman:

Reason #01: She is richer
According to this Straits Times article some time back, 40% of Singaporean female graduate above 30 are single, compared to 10% for females with less than secondary school qualifications. The main reasons cited for this disparity are higher expectations, and because that family and love takes a backseat in favor of career for the better educated. That seems to be the case for Ms Tan too, and I bet she will be able to provide me with the life a Male Tai-Tai if she wants to. Heh.

Reason #02: She is wiser, wittier, and sassier
I am making a lot of assumptions here because just because someone is older, doesn’t necessarily mean she is wiser, wittier, or sassier. But given that they may have traveled more and had more time to learnt about the wonders of life, the possibility of them being wiser, wittier, and sassier, is higher.

Reason #03: It is romantic to date an Older Woman
Be rebellious! Flout conventions! Follow your heart and date the Older Woman, like what 楊過 did for 小龍女.

Reason #04: She can teach you things in bed
This point was actually brought up by the very unorthodox Nerd when I told him about my situation. Unfortunately, I think it doesn’t apply to my situation because I think Ms Tan is a virgin like me.

Reason #05: You can die together
This point is rather morbid, but makes a lot of sense. The Superior Species have a higher life expectancy than guys, so the chances of you dying in your sleep together ala The Notebook is much higher.

I was telling Sushi Eating Friend that actually, come to think of it, there are not a lot of compelling reasons why you should date an Older Woman. But she shut me up by saying “I think if you really love someone, you shouldn’t give a hoot about how old or how young she is.”

Oh well. I have a wise, witty, and sassy friend.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Monday, November 06, 2006

The long and short about The Case Of The Mysterious Bean Curd Part II

I have been in agony since Thursday night because of food poisoning.

For those who had food poisoning before, you will know that despite the MC, having food poisoning is not very fun because you will make many, many trips to the loo, and because your backside will become very, very sore. And now I am on another day of MC after suffering constipation from the previous medication. The irony of it, heh.

Anyway, being a Man of Action, I decided not whine and wonder about who gave me the bean curd, and do something about it instead. So I asked the people in the office last Thursday if they were the one who gave me the bean curd. Here’re their replies:

Office Bimbo: Was the bean curd branded?

Random Co-worker #01 (Male): Sorry Sian, but I’m straight.

Random Co-worker #02 (Female): Sorry Sian, but I’m gay.

Office Cleaning Auntie: 哈哈,auntie 沒有送你豆花吃啦。你是不是要請 auntie 去看電影 :) ?

Chinese Cooked Food Auntie: (In an accusing tone) I don’t sell bean curd.

Boss: You go hong gan lah you!

So I have narrowed the list down to Miss Tan. I shall confront her tomorrow when I get back to work. Please pray for me!

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The long and short about The Case Of The Mysterious Bean Curd

As I mentioned yesterday, I have decided to stop my daily free breakfast for Ms Tan in order to prevent any nasty rumor from spreading in the office.

But alas! I was too late. When I reached the office this morning, everyone asked me whether they can have a share of the ‘Love Bean Curd’.

I have a sibeh kaypoh Boss :(

Come to think of it, Ms Tan has been acting strange too. She didn’t raise her voice when I presented a report to her this morning, which was very, very unusual. In fact, she didn’t even look at me in the eye throughout the meeting, which was strange too because she would usually glare at me.

The most disturbing thing is that when I returned from lunch just now, there was a packet of bean curd on my desk.

I am very, very disturbed.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The long and short about It Doesn’t Pay To Be A Nice Subordinate

I am very, very traumatized after this conversation at the Boss’ office just now:

Boss: Oei Sian! I couldn’t tell, but you are quite hum sup hor?

Me: Huh? Haha. . . . I don’t quite get what you mean Sir. . . .

Boss: Don’t pretend.

Boss: I noticed that you have been buying breakfast for Ms Tan. I also noticed that she has been going over to your cubicle very often recently.

Boss: No wonder you refused my offer of a lup sup bar treat! Heh heh heh.

Heh your head lah heh heh heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. I have decided to stop buying bean curd for Ms Tan in the morning.