The long and short about Hard Gay

I thought that after years of being exposed to weird nuts, I will be unfazed by anything that comes my way. But this fellow really takes the cake:



I am HARD GAY!


Just in case you’re wondering, the guy in the above pic is not me. Heh.

Anyway, despite the name, I assure you the following video is perfectly safe for viewing in the office. Just try not to laugh too loud.





Click here for Part II.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about How Ms Tan Really Looks Like

The fact that you guys find Ms Tan even vaguely attractive disgusts me.

I think I was being too kind. Click here for an updated picture of Ms Tan.

Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The People In My Life

This blogging thingy is getting addictive. I realized that I’ve been posting entries almost on a daily basis, usually at the comfort and convenience of my office cubicle.

But folks, don’t need to worry about me getting caught: I make it a point to look perpetually stressed, and always type noisily so as to create the impression that I’m busy and hard at work. Heh.

I also realized that it’s getting confusing with all the characters appearing in my idiosyncratic life. With your reading pleasure in mind, I’ve decided to create a character info page (i.e. this entry), and will be putting it in the links section. Heh.




The Characters In Sibeh Sian’s Sibeh Sian Life
In order of appearance


Sibeh Sian

I am sibeh sian

Description:
I am a 27 year-old virgin cum struggling office dweller saddled with a long-term study loan. I dream of finding the true love in my life who will give me two kids (one boy, one girl) and help out with the dishes. It wouldn’t hurt if she comes with rich in-laws who are willing to help settle the said study loan. Click here to find out why I am sibeh sian.
Click here for first appearance




Ms Tan

I enjoy crushing balls

Description:
My department head from hell, single, malingerer, aged 36 and counting. Rumors goes that she developed an unhealthy resentment against men because of reasons known only to her. I suspect the only reason for her existence is to be a pain in my ass (not in the kinky way, you pervert). The only thing we have in common is that we are probably the only virgins in the office.
Click here for first appearance




The Office Bimbo

Should I buy LV, Gucci, or both huh?

Description:
My airhead colleague, 23, with a penchant for expensive make-up, expensive fashion, expensive jewelry and expensive push-up bras. She is also a very expensive girlfriend to her SLK-driving Boyfriend also used to be a very expensive girlfriend to her ex SLK-driving Boyfriend, which explained her ability to sustain her expensive lifestyle. In view of the countless times I had to refrain from strangling her, I reckon she probably bought her expensive overseas degree.
Click here for first appearance




Name: Sushi Eating Friend

I am Woman, hear me roar!

Description:
A very good friend from uni, aged 23, Sushi Eating Friend is my best female friend. Come to think of it, she is my only female friend. She takes pleasure in eating sushi (which explains her moniker), and making digs at my miserable existence. I seriously have no idea why am I still friends with her. I also suspect she may be lesbian because she refused to introduce any of her many babelicious friends to me.
Click here for first appearance





Name: My Mum

Faster give me some grandchildren!

Description:
My long suffering mum who painstakingly brought me up after my dad died in a horrific car accident when I was ten. It’s not as bad as it sounds because he was on his way to meet his mistress or something, heh. Quite possibly the only person on earth who remembers my birthday without fail. I heart her sia.
Click here for first appearance




Name: The Boss

You hong gan lah you!

Description:
My Boss is da man. He started the company armed with nothing but a Primary Six education, shrewd decisions at the races, and the uncanny ability to persuade clients. Besides lording over the office, he is rumored to be a co-owner of a lup sup nightclub in Katong. He also has this annoying habit of laughing really loudly while shouting “Hong Gan Lah!” whenever he hears a particularly bad idea.
Click here for first appearance




Name: Nerd

Maggi Mee is good for health

Description:
A 23 year old undergraduate who used to intern at my company. I have no idea why, but the entire office thinks we are long lost brothers, in terms of both looks and personality. Was way irritated by him initially (actually, I still do) because of his annoying habit of following me around, even to the loo. But he really is a kindred spirit because we both know how painful unrequited crushes on heartless girls feel like. And for the record, we are not gay, ok?
Click here for first appearance




(To be updated as and when I’m not feeling that sian.)


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. If you think these are the real pictures of the people in my life, all I can say is "Heh heh." Almost every thing you see here are courtesy of Getty Images. They are damn accurate descriptions though.

The long and short about The Boss

I bumped into The Boss at the pantry this morning, and finally told him about my idea of implementing the compulsory singing of Majulah Singapura and the reciting of pledge (thanks Adrenaline) every morning before we start work.

He went “MUAhuaHA” while managing a loud “You hong gan lah you!”, before making his way out of the pantry.

“Eh, what did you do to make The Boss so happy?” asked the Office Bimbo when I went to my desk. I smirked and replied, “It’s a secret between him and me.”

It’s about time people realize my brilliance!

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. By the way what does ‘hong gan’ means huh?

The long and short about My Blog Picture

I was trying to look for a picture that can best represent myself in this blog. I decided against using my real picture for the following reasons:


1) Ms Tan is gonna be damn pissed off not very happy if she ever finds out about this blog.

2) I might get charged for the recent political entries I’ve been writing.

3) Girls might mob me on the streets. Actually, that would be quite a good thing, heh.

4) I am buck fugly.


Being the utterly honest-to-goodness citizen I am, I must admit the fourth reason is the most compelling one. Just between you and me, I try my best to avoid mirrors.

Anyway, I tried to see what Yahoo Images have to offer if I type in the word ‘Sian’. I was utterly shocked to see the following pics:




Hello! I am ang mo sian!



Hello! I am sibeh sian too!


Very scandalous. It pains me to think of what other kind of images the internet has to offer that would corrupt the pure and innocent minds of our youth. Tsk tsk.

Anyway, after a long and difficult search, I made the long and difficult decision of choosing the picture of a long and difficult artist:



I’m too sexy for my shirt


And so, yah, I finally have a face on the net.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Money-Pinching Miser

I was about to tuck into my steaming hot bowl of maggi mee the other night when I was interrupted by a phone call.


Me: Hello?

Acquaintance Whom I’ve Not Heard From In Years: Hello?

Me: Hello?

A: Hello, Sibeh Sian right?

Me: Ah-huh?

A: This is A, are you free to talk now?

Me: Actually, I was just about to have dinner leh. . . .

A: I need to ask a favor from you.

Me: Eh, ah-huh?

A: Can I borrow some money from you?

Me: Eh. . . . I just started working a few months back and I’m servicing my study loan leh. . . .

A: Since you started working already you should have some savings right?

Me: Yah, but I’m saving it for a rainy day. . . .

A: (Silence)

Me: . . . . How much do you need?

A: Depends on how much you trust me.

Me: . . . . I think I’m not very comfortable with this.

A: You don’t trust me?

A: Nevermind.


Maybe it’s just me, but I find it hard to trust someone whom I hardly spoke to in uni with my money, especially when he didn’t even bother to explain how he will be using my money. Given a choice being viewed as a heartless miser or getting taken for a ride, I would choose the former any day.

And to be honest, I am a money-pinching miser lah.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Apolitical Colleagues

The newspapers and the media in general have been going on and on about how apolitical Singaporeans are, and how they are more excited about American Idol than the coming General Elections.

I hate to admit this, but I think they are probably right. After the announcement that polling day will fall on the 6th of May, the most pertinent questions buzzing in the office are:


1) Is polling day a holiday? But we don’t work on Saturdays!

2) Since we don’t work on Saturdays, does it mean we don’t need to work on Monday?


I am very ashamed of my apolitical colleagues. I was hoping that they will show more concern when it comes to issues of national importance, instead of quibbling about day-offs. Personally, I’ll hate to see Monday declared as an off-day because people should realize the importance of hard work in contributing to a vibrant economy. By the way, I swear the fact that I have a unpostponeable presentation that day has got no effect on my opinion whatsoever. I think.

Unlike my colleagues, I resolve to be more aware about the political situation of my beloved homeland. As a start, I’m doing serious planning on how to spend the rest of my Progress Package after paying for my mum’s Oto Trimax. I’ll also be suggesting to The Boss about making singing Majulah Singapura a compulsory activity in the office before we start the day.

It feels good to be patriotic :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Alternate NDP

Forget about Tammy! Presenting what’s possibly the funniest made-in-Singapore video clip:





I want to, eh, ‘salute’ the anonymous crew for making me laugh out loud in the office.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Mother Is Smarter Than I Think

I was greeted by my mum’s enthusiastic “I know what I want for Mother’s Day already!”, while waving the Oto brochure madly.

There goes the bulk of my progress package.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Exercise Plans

Holy shit! I realized I gained another kg when I weighed myself last evening.

This trend has got to stop. I’m considering the following exercise regimes to reduce my ever-expanding waistline.


Option 1:
Jog everyday after work.
Evaluation:
You’ve got to be kidding me.

Option 2:
Jog once a week.
Evaluation:
Still too tough.

Option 3:
Start swimming.
Evaluation:
Don’t know how to.

Option 4:
Climb stairs instead of using the lift.
Evaluation:
I live on the second floor.

Option 5:
Invest in the Oto Trimax 9200.
Evaluation:
It cost a whopping $328.


As you can see, the problem lies not with me, but the circumstances.

Anyway, I think the most attractive alternative is option 5. So yesterday I told my mum she is starting to look fat, after which I passed her a brochure of the Oto. I am such a clever boy :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Sushi Eating Friend

I am so sibeh sian. When I worked OT last Friday, it was with the understanding that I’ll get a day off today. I thus can’t comprehend why I am typing this on the office PC yet again.

The scary thing is that I’m almost used to getting abused already. I was bullied by schoolmates from pre-primary till uni. I was bullied by sadistic sergeants in the army. So I guess it’s no surprise that I’m desensitized to getting bullied by my colleagues.

“I’m surprised you haven’t tried jumping off a building or something,” commented an old friend over dinner the other day. “If I were you I probably would.” She said that almost nonchalantly before taking a bite of her sushi.

“I value life above everything else ok?”, I retorted after wolfing down my chawamushi. “My mum spent long months carrying me in her tummy, I can’t do that kind of thing to her!”

“Whatever,” said she after taking a sip of the green tea, “Besides, you’ll probably fail miserably and make a fool out of yourself if you did try jumping.”


I have no idea why I am still friends with Sushi Eating Friend.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Karate Masters

I seriously thought I was reading an elaborate April Fool’s joke two weeks back in Channel News Asia. You’ve probably heard of them because they are famous now: a group of Singaporeans who went to Japan in search of an elusive Karate Master and his secret manual, a request made by a dying father, himself a karate man, on his death bed.

I’m looking forward to a movie adaption already. Anyway, I thought their task was downright impossible because who was arguably the most famous Karate master of all time died recently:



Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything


Anyway, unbelievable, but they actually managed to find the guy. However, they are not sure whether if the fellow really is the Karate master, maybe because they didn't see the old man chop down a tree or two with his bare hands or something. The master also refused to part with his 4,000 year-old manual (wow, Karate’s actually been taught since the dawn of civilization).

It’s a pity that I’m not with the group. With my years of martial arts experience honed through hours of SBC period dramas since young, I have a few tricks up my sleeves to make the old guy part with his precious:


1) Make him indebted to you by saving his family from certain disaster.

2) Marry his daughter.

3) Force it from him with, eh, poisoned fish porridge, like what that one-eyed girl did in Kill Bill Vol.2.


Anyway, the whole episode forced me to recognize a negative trait about Singaporeans that I’ve refused to acknowledge thus far: We are simply not adventurous enough. Given their time and resources, they could have go to China and search for the even more elusive 如来神掌 instead.



I may look like I’m trying to shit, but really I’m not


Come to think of it, they might even find Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu if they are lucky.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Start Of A Possible Romance

Maybe there really is a Higher Being who is looking after me after all: This morning, I was told that the ‘job-seekers’ who came the other day were actually students interviewing for internships. Not only am I feeling incredibly relieved that my job is secure, I’m also damn happy because one of them will be assigned to be under my mentorship.

I honestly believe that internships are an integral part of a solid university education. Internships are occasions when you get to apply the theoretical knowledge you learnt in classrooms into practical use in the Real World. Everyday is an exam: if you fail to perform, you may find yourself out of a job. On hindsight, I wished I could have made more effort when I was choosing my own internship company a couple of years back, instead of choosing an obscure company simply because it was near my home. I did saved quite a bit on transport and meals though.

The interns will get to learn a lot if they are willing to work hard and take on additional responsibilities such as getting breakfast for me. I was thus very discerning when I went through the many resumes just now: The last person I want is someone who skives and wastes both our time. I wanted someone who is diligent, intelligent, and full of integrity.

I thus settled on the ah-lian with blond streaks. She looks damn nice in the photo sia :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Happy Hobbits

After watching this video, I’m pleasantly surprised that Lord of The Rings wasn’t banned in Singapore.



Happy together


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Miss Singapore Universe

One of the perks I occasionally get from my otherwise monotonous job is that I get perks occasionally. Despite all that I’ve done and what I haven’t, my Project Y client was kind enough to offer a pair of invites to the Miss Singapore Universe pageant, which they were sponsoring. Being co-coordinators for the project, I went with The Office Bimbo on Sunday night.

I had complaints even before the show started. Firstly, Mediacorp is located in like a damn ulu place. I’ve never been to the studios before, and relied on my trustworthy bus directory to find my way there. What awaited me upon alighting is an arduous ten-minute walk, perhaps more. Needless to say, I was completely drenched with sweat at the end of the ordeal. I’m thankful for the singlet I wore, otherwise my precious maroon Gold Lion shirt would have been marked with unsightly sweat stains.

I was catching my breath at the gates when I saw The Bimbo arriving in style. I was pissed because 1) She was not sweaty because she arrived in an SLK, 2) She was chauffeured by her equally intelligent boyfriend who owns the said SLK, 3) I could have been driving an SLK if my Big Sweep numbers didn’t screwed up.

Which brought me to the second complaint I have about Mediacorp: their tickets suck. The instructions behind stated “Smart Attire”, but I was probably the only one in a short-sleeve maroon Gold Lion because practically everyone else were dressing as if they were going for a company D&D. The Bimbo, in particularly, looked like she was going to audition for getai after the show. Heh heh.

The show finally started after a while, and frankly, I was feeling kind of sleepy until the swimsuit parade started. I was wide-awake not because I’m lecherous, but because I was utterly appalled by the obvious lowering of moral standards: Back in my time, swimsuit parades were frowned upon, and all contestants would be in one-piece suits with nondescript colors. But on Sunday night, I almost went blind because not only were they in bikinis, but it was colored bright orange too. Tsk tsk.

Audible gasps were heard towards the end of the segment when Contestant Number 13, Ms Carol Cheng, appeared with her, eh, considerable talents.



Contestant Number 13


For the record, I prefer more ‘Asian’ sized ones because anything that is supersized scares me. Bimbo, in the mean time, muttered “Bitch” under her breath, and subconsciously adjusted her what-I-suspect-to-be push-up bra. Man, I can never understand women.

The next contestant to appear caused Bimbo to squeal excitedly because it turns out that she was her senior in uni. I read Contestant Number 14’s profile in the glossy pictorial given before the show, and was flabbergasted when I found out Ms Michelle Tsai is now a tutor at the said uni. Damn. If I had cute tutors like her back in my uni days, I’m sure I would have got a 1st Class instead of my mediocre Pass, because I would have faithfully attended all my tutorials.

The most anticipated segment was undoubtedly the Q&A round, because I suspect everyone has a sadistic desire to watch beautiful (and some not so beautiful) people screw up on national TV. But after a short moment of glee, I felt rather bad for some of the contestants who committed national faux pas because “Omigod-what-the-hell-did-I-just-said?!?!” was plainly written across their faces. I knew perfectly well how they felt because I once answered ‘chameleon’ when an interviewer asked me about my favorite animal.

At the end of the day, I found myself rooting for Contestant Number 17, Jade Seah, because not only did she looked good, she gave what I personally felt were the most articulate answers in the Q&As. I was thus very much surprised when Carol was announced as the winner instead. Not only was I surprised, but I was rather worried too because the hordes of Jade Seah supporters didn’t sound exactly happy after the results were announced, and I could have been wrongly identified as a Carol fan after I unsuccessfully tried to take a picture with the winner. Oh well.

Anyway, the funniest moment of the show was when all the contestants rushed to kiss and congratulate Carol after she was crowned. I don’t know why, but I think some of them were tearing. Maybe it was because they were so genuinely happy for Carol, or something.

All in all, it was an interesting night, though it didn’t end as nicely as it could have been because it ended with a long and sweaty walk to the bus stop. I think I don’t quite like colleagues with two-seater SLK owners as boyfriends because they have the best excuse not to give me a ride home. I was also hoping that maybe some of the contestants will be taking the same bus as me, but no such luck.

Damn.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. I just realized that this is post number 13. Heh.

The long and short about Why I’m Sibeh Sian

This post is in response to Adrenaline's comment about me choosing to be a virgin: Adrenaline, my dear, some things in life are not by choice.



My dismal existence as a dead-end office dweller, aged 27 and ½, is just a glimpse of my life as a perpetual under-achiever.

While my peers are happily in the process of upgrading their Toyotas to the Jaguar, I can’t afford my first driving lesson yet.

Actually, they are trying to upgrade to a Beemer, but Jaguar rhymes better.

I’m 15 cm short of my ideal height of 1.75m.

I’m skinny everywhere except at the waist.

Friends have commented that I look like the Asian version of Brad Pitt, without the Brad Pitt.

I think credit card approvers have a secret vendetta against me.

My mum has been trying to marry me off to a 1.98m distant cousin, albeit without much success.

I’m still trying desperately to lose my virginity.

The first and last IRC date I had turned out to be a she-man.

I’ve once missed striking Big Sweep by a single digit.

My backside is unusually hairy.

The only person who remembers my birthday is my mother.

And that’s the reasons why I’m sibeh sian.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Usually Sleep At 9pm

I am feeling damn cranky because I’m deprived of sleep because of the damn meow! meow! meow! from the damn neighborhood cat who is reminding me she’s getting more damn action than I had in my entire goddamned life.

Damn.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Bearers Of Bad News

I received horrific news from the weighing machine this morning: I made a net gain of 3kg. In my youth, this would have been great news because I’m perpetually underweight at the sub-50 region. Unfortunately, I’m now pushing 30, and the extra gain is all concentrated at the equator.

This was further confirmed by the extra inch at the waist, cruelly told to me by my free Ikea measuring tape. Damn.

I resolve to stop having maggi-mee for supper.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Job Seekers

I am very worried.

I came to work this morning to find the company lobby filled with job seekers. This was fine and dandy, until I heard from The Bimbo that they are vying for a position whose responsibilities sound suspiciously similar to mine.

I think I think too much. After all, The Boss just confirmed my position a couple of months back. But it still bugs me because I don’t really see two persons doing what I’m already doing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the applicants will be deterred by the ugly visage of Ms Tan.

Anyway, one of the applicants looked damn ah-lian. Blond streaks, blue contact lenses, and her skirt was just a little bit better than micro-mini. Youngsters nowadays, they are too much because they dress too little. Tsk tsk.

I hope she gets the job :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Very First Fan

My very first fan is this guy who goes by the name of Enlargement:



I find your posts intriguing. Informative as well. I had been searching for thicker penis when I landed here. Always good to find others interested in the same thing as my site Thicker Penis.


I’m feeling damn apologetic to Mr Enlargement because I deleted his comment by mistake. So Mr Enlargement, if you happen to be reading this, please post your comment again can? I think you must be psychic because I’ve never admitted to anyone before that I’m interested in getting a thicker penis. And thanks for finding my posts informative and intriguing :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Really Shouldn’t Be In The Office Now

I really shouldn’t be in the office now because I work a five-day week.

But I am because of the spelling errors in my proposal for Project Y.

Damn.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian