The long and short about The Request

I was expecting to get hit by waves of gossip yesterday, but nothing happened. I guess I was thinking too much because Ms Tan, even though at her usual bitchy self, gave no indication that she saw Office Bimbo and me together that night. I guess I really shouldn’t be worried because after all, I really wasn’t doing anything funny with Office Bimbo. I also shouldn’t be fazed because I have survived worse rumors before.

Anyway, after her one day MC, Office Bimbo was back to work this morning. The first thing she did was to drag me off to one corner of the pantry.


Office Bimbo: Sian, I have been thinking a lot about something after you sent me home the other night.

Office Bimbo: Can you please promise you will do that something for me?

Me: Eh. . . . Haha. . . . OK!

Office Bimbo: Great! Please don’t tell anyone I live in a 3-room HDB. People think I live in condo one.


There is no hope for Office Bimbo.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Break Up

I was packing my stuff for home just now when I heard some noise coming from the opposite cubicle. I was unnerved for a while because, well, the 7th Month has just passed and I’m a really hum ji kind of guy.

Fortunately, that turned out to be a false alarm. The kaypoh in me made me walk over, and I found Office Bimbo sobbing at her desk. I didn’t know what to say, so I just offered her a tissue. Turned out to be a bad mistake because she started bawling even louder, and said “Would you have dinner with me please?”

In between her many mugs of beers, Office Bimbo revealed that she has been ditched by her SLK-Driving Boyfriend. It turns out that she has been charging high amounts to his Platinum card account, and his father was not exactly pleased.

“But it’s not my fault!” Office Bimbo, clutching her mug of beer bitterly, was the epitome of the bitter beer drinker. “I splurged on fine clothes, fine bags and fine make-up so that he can feel proud when he intro me to his friends! Life is so not fair!!!!”

“But you know, you can look very good with This Fashion too!” I decided to reserve further comments after she gave me a rude stare.

“To hell with Men!” Office Bimbo was obviously not appreciative of her company. “Henceforth, I shall invest my time and beauty in someone who will really appreciate me for who I am. Someone who recognize me for my talents. Someone who will measure me by my virtues and not by my cup size.”


I nearly spurt out my drink when she turned her gaze towards me.


“Sibeh Sian, can you do something very important for me?”

“Eh. . . . Haha. . . . OK!”

“Help me call for a taxi.”


So being the dutiful colleague I am, I called her a cab as instructed, and even saw her to her place because she was walking rather unsteadily. I hope she will pay me the cab fare in full tomorrow sia.

Anyway, the funny thing is that Ms Tan happened to walk pass while I was helping Office Bimbo into the cab. She saw me holding Office Bimbo by the shoulders, and she looked very, very disturbed.

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Crush

Blogging can be a very painful experience. When I blogged about my uni crush’s fine chubby cheeks, I didn’t expect that wave of raw emotions that will overcome me so completely.

I first met her one lazy afternoon while attending a tutorial session in the uni. She captured my imagination immediately with her gentle gaze, her fine cherubic features, and her flowing hair that captured the wind. She wore a cutesy tee, baggy jeans, and the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen.

She was also shorter than my 1.6m, and I was very, very happy :)

In fact, she looks kind of motherly from all angles, and when she came for class the following week with a ponytail, I knew I’ve found a very eligible Significant Other. Sushi Eating Friend thought I was nuts, but I don’t blame her because females usually don’t understand the arresting powers of ponytails and chubby cheeks.

My granny must have been watching after me in heaven because the two of us were grouped into the same project team (my crush, not my granny). During the get-to-know-each-other lunch however, we couldn’t really get to know each other very well because both of us were the shy type. I was desperately trying to think of a funny joke or anything interesting to break the awkward silence, when I thought of a very, very important question that I knew I must ask because it holds the key to future matrimonial bliss.


Me: Eh, can I ask you a question?

Sweetest Thing: Ah-huh?

Me: *Took a deep breath*

Me: Do you like KFC?


Maybe that’s why I’m still a Never-Been-Kissed :(

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Humps

Hello people :)!

I’ve just reached home following a sibeh tiring and sibeh sian weekend working trip to Malaysia. I am so tired now, I don’t even have the strength to **********, and that’s saying a lot. Heh.

More of my misadventures tomorrow.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. For those interested, the original zit on my butt-cheek has subsided. Sad to say, another two has sprouted in the vicinity. I am going to sleep lying on tummy for the next few nights.

P.P.S. The Zingers in Malaysia seems to be spicier.

The long and short about The Hardworking Office Boy

Getting promoted does come with its share of pain.

I reached home close to midnight just now because of that mountainous pile of work that has yet to be completed. I could have left earlier, if not for that ang mo client who just have to go on and on and on over the phone. Then I found myself vetting through my report again after that 2 hour long conversation.

I am very, very worried that I will really morph into a hardworking office boy. And I’m not sure if it’s the result of the long hours of sitting, but I’ve developed a really big zit on my butt-cheeks. If not for the fact this is a family-oriented blog, I would have posted a pic just to show you how enormous it is. It’s so over-flowing with pus, it is kind of fascinating :)

On the bright side, I received something wonderful in the mail box just now: KFC discount coupons! My favorite is the one that entitles me to a two-piece meal at just $3.95! Awesome value. I am going to have KFC for the rest of the week :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Promotions

Despite my elation about my promotion, I found out I was not the only one who can yaya-papaya in the office.

Ms Tan got promoted too. And so did Office Bimbo. Oh well.

To commemorate our promotion, Boss treated us to this rather swanky restaurant call Kippo (or something) at Keppel Club. The food was good: I loved the Peking duck in pancake, the roasted chicken with that oh so thin and crispy skin, and the sweet and sour pork which was done near to perfection.

The good news was it was an ala carte buffet, so I ended up with a lot of roasted chicken in my stomach. The even better news was that I didn’t have to pay a single cent for it :)

Ok, that’s all for today. I must get back to work now because I am such a diligent worker.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about What Fine Chubby Cheeks Look Like

When I posted about fine chubby cheeks last week, I got some very enthusiastic responses about how chubby they are.

Unfortunately, fine chubby cheeks is really a rarity. For example, although Avalon has had a very nice ponytail, her cheeks are too slim to be called chubby.

For the benefit of everyone who is wondering what really constitutes fine chubby cheeks, I have kindly enclosed a picture in this entry:




Notice the soft curves, the sweet little bumps, and that wonderful complexion that bore a tinge of pink beneath that healthy glow


I took the above shot of my crush in uni when she was having a sip of water. I have no idea why, but she wasn’t too happy about it. Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about That Sucky Restaurant

After some soul-searching, I realized that Nerd is probably the biggest reason why I got promoted. I thus decided to treat him to a nicer place for dinner instead of KFC. We ended up at this new eatery at Citylink Mall call New York New York, which looks really swanky with the nice décor and all.

Big mistake.

The place sucked so much I just have to bitch about my terrible experience:


1) The Milkshake Sucked
I knew something was terribly wrong when our first order, the Double Chocolate Shake arrived. Really, I’m committing travesty by calling that terrible concoction a milkshake. It’s part lumpy, overly watery, and totally lacked the rich texture and flavor that good milkshakes are supposed to have. If you want a good one, go for the chocolate milkshake offered by Billy Bomber’s. It’s one of the closest things to heaven on earth I swear. At $6.50, it’s 40 cents cheaper that the Double Chocolate Shit at NYNY too. Heh.

2) The Appetizer Sucked
With the wonderful memory of the delightful fried mushrooms offered at Manhattan Fish Market still fresh in my mind, I decided to give the version offered by NYNY a try. After sinking my teeth into one, I decided that the name ‘Crunchy Mushrooms’ was a big misnomer. And not only was it not crunchy, it also lacked the juiciness and flavor of fried mushrooms. A big disappointment.

3) The Fish Sucked
Nerd ordered a Tagliatelle Alfredo, which is really a fanciful name for pasta with cream and fish. And the fish was terrible. I reckon it must have spent hours in the deep fryer because it looked burnt and was so tough, I could hardly taste any fish. And the pasta was too creamy. Fail.

4) The Specialty Sucked
Perhaps I have been too demanding. Perhaps they have a legitimate right to serve sucky milkshakes, mushrooms, and fish because after all, they are foremost a burger place. I thus find it unforgivable that their Juicy Burger Supreme failed to make the grade too. To be fair, the buns, which came with just the right amount of toast, were good. But the steak! The steak!!!! It was over done, and was devoid of any juiciness and flavor. To their credit, the portion was generous, though that redeeming feature was lost on me as I left a tenth of the not-juicy-at-all Juicy Burger untouched.

5) The Desserts Could Have Sucked
Following the horrible drinks, appetizers and main courses, I couldn’t bring myself to order any desserts. But going by the logic of guilty by association, I reckon it would have sucked mightily too.

6) The Condiment Containers Sucked
They placed ketchup in what should have been a mustard dispenser! And chili in what should have been a ketchup dispenser!

7) The Pool Table Sucked
I don’t know how to play pool.


The place sucked so much, I urge everyone to give that place a try just to experience for yourself how sucky it is.

I really, really should have eaten at KFC. Would have been must cheaper too. Walau.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Wonderful Boss

I was summoned to the office of Boss just now. I honestly thought I was going to get the sack, but I have no idea how wrong I was about my wonderful, charismatic, and utterly hamsen Boss.

I got promoted :)

After congratulating me, my Boss was fast to add that the decision was made before the whole complaint letter fiasco, and has nothing to do with the epic poem I wrote. It turns out that besides being very satisfied with my handling of the recent client accounts, he was also very impressed by the glowing feedback he received about my mentorship from Nerd’s uni following his internship.

So in a twisted sort of way , Nerd was the reason for my promotion. Heh.

Before I left his office, my Boss advised me to be more discreet with email correspondences, and also not to spend too much time on poems. I committed the wise words of the great man into my heart immediately. Indeed, I swear that henceforth, I shall strive to be a model worker who dedicates his life to the organization. I will bleed my own blood to fill my Boss’ pockets with money. And I will devote every single hour of my working hours to nothing but working. Right after I’m done typing this entry.

When I feel happy, I feel generous too. In fact, I’m treating Nerd to KFC later :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Complaint Letter Part III

For those who have expressed concern about what happened after my Boss email, I have both good and bad news.

The good news is that I’ve not been fired. In fact, I wasn’t even reprimanded.

The bad news is that the no action is probably due to the fact that my Boss is on leave this couple of days.

Being a Man of Action, I have decided not to sit on my ass and whine. Instead, I am taking affirmative action to ensure that my pants won’t catch fire come Monday: the following is a bootlicking heartfelt poem that I’ve written in the grand style of Milton.


“Boss!
Oh Boss!
I have a most wonderful Boss!

His intelligence is comparable to Einstein’s! Because he knows how to fix the spoilt copier!
His foresight is farther than Stamford Raffles’! Because he makes big money at the races!
His jokes are funnier than Rowan Atkinson’s! Because his jokes never fail to make me laugh like an idiot!
His strength is mightier than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s! Because he helped me open that ketchup bottle!
His courage is higher than Jack Dawson’s! Because he has no fear of flying roaches!
His singing is better than Michael Jackson’s! Because he wins karaoke contests really often!
His cooking is tastier than Colonel Sanders’! Because his cooking is really tasty!
His magnamity is greater than Mahatma Gandhi’s! Because he forgives employees who make silly mistakes!
His looks are handsomer than Fei Yu Qing’s! Because my mother told me so!

Boss!
Oh Boss!
I have a most wonderful Boss!”


I thought of emailing him my epic poem, but thought the better of it as it will be a tad too obvious. I’ve thus decided to post it on the other blog instead.

I hope my Boss will read it. So far, I’ve sent two reminder SMS to him already.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Complaint Letter Part II

I am so dead.

I received the following email from my boss this morning:


“Muahahahhah! You send your anonymous letter to me using your email account you idiot.”


There is no cure for stupidity.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Complaint Letter

No relation to the previous posts , but Ms Tan has been breathing down my neck recently. My reports were returned with angry remarks and ugly red crosses, and just this afternoon, she screamed at me in front of the entire office for some silly typo mistakes.

I am feeling very tired and demoralized because I have been doing many, many hours of unpaid overtime recently, and her emotional abuse is getting a bit too much to take. I am only human too, and despite my mediocrity, I still have my pride.

Instead of keeping silent as I’ve usually done, I finally decided to do something about my situation. Being the courageous person I am, I sent an anonymous email to The Boss before I left the office just now. Here’s the email reproduced in its entirety:


“Dear Boss,

I have resisted sending this mail for the longest time, but there’s only so much shit this camel can carry on its back.

I am going to be very straight-forward here: It’s high time you give Ms Tan the sack.

Her behavior of late is highly unbecoming for someone of her stature. I have personally observed that she has been reporting for late by 5 minutes or more consistently over the last six months. If you think that’s bad, she has also left the work place way ahead of the stipulated ending work hours of 5:30pm. Sadly, you have been kept in the dark all this time because you come for work even later and leave for home earlier than Ms Tan. But that’s ok, because you are the Boss.

As if her unprofessional manners are not bad enough, Ms Tan is utterly devoid of any social skills. Just this afternoon, I observed her very public and unjustified verbal abuse of Mr Sibeh Sian, who is perhaps the most hardworking and able worker in the company (I personally observed him working many hours of unpaid overtime recently). I seriously urge you to send her for some anger management or EQ enhancement course. If not, I really fear for the day when some disgruntled and long-suffering subordinate might rise in rebellion the way the British students did in Les Miserables.

If termination is too drastic a move, I would suggest you demote Ms Tan by two levels to teach her some lessons in humility. In tandem with her demotion, I recommend the very virtuous Mr Sibeh Sian to take over her position. I’m sure he will do a smashing job because he is such an awesome worker. Just to illustrate, he has taken only 12 days of medical leave this year, compared to Ms Tan’s 16.

I urge you to give my recommendations some serious consideration.

Regards,
Anonymous”


Let’s pray that justice will be served!

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Dream Girl Part II

The old and wise wisely remarked that appearances doesn’t matter. With all due respect, I think that is very bullshitty because like it or not, appearances does matter to a certain extent. For example, I will never make it past the first round of Mr Singapore because I am butt-ugly, and because I have a mighty potbelly after many years of feasting on KFC.

With that in mind, I have created a list of the physical attributes of my Dream Girl:


1) She should have fine chubby cheeks.
I have no idea why, but I have this big weakness for girls with chubby cheeks. Chubby cheeks look irresistibly kissable, and if my Significant Other is indeed blessed with fine chubby cheeks, I swear I will kiss her all day long. I will even keep a picture of her cheeks in my wallet, so that I can admire them when she’s not with me. Heh.


2) She should be bespectacled.
I find girls with specs utterly irresistible. Not those dominatrix-looking type, but the ordinary school-girl type of specs. If you must know, I have this thing for bookish looking girls ever since that enormous crush I had on the bespectacled librarian when I was in primary school.


3) Ponytails.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I find the exuberant swing of the ponytail captivating. Sadly though, the humble ponytail seems to be a lost art these days. Save for under-aged schoolgirls and arty-farty male artists, I don’t see anyone with a ponytail anymore. Sigh.


Being painfully aware of the many physical limitations I have, I shall end my wish list at three points. Potential suitors who are interested in becoming Mrs Sibeh Sian, kindly send a profile pic of your cheeks please.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Visit: SM Remix

This entry is written for the many perverts out there, who sadistically wished that Ms Tan had ravaged my nubile and virginal body last Friday. This entry is also rated Mature (18). You have been warned. Heh.


Being the professional submissive I am, I took great pains to prepare for Ms Tan’s visit.

I cleaned up my room and perfumed the toilet. I played Michael Bolton’s When A Man Loves A Woman CD to get the mood going. I even lay a towel over my bed, just in case I bleed.

The above efforts may not seem much, but you are talking about a man who has kept his virginity intact for the past 27 years.

I then spent the next few hours waiting, waiting, and waiting. My heart skipped a beat when the door bell finally went ding-dong-ing.

It was Ms Tan.

And I was very, very disturbed because she was dressed like this:





It felt quite awkward, so I tried to break the ice by offering her a drink. She told me she wanted a punch, but I didn’t have that and so I brought her some orange juice instead. I have no idea why, but she grew angry and ordered me to get down on all fours. Out of fear, I obliged.


Ms Tan: Sibeh Sian, you have been a very naughty boy.

Ms Tan: I know you have been bring the 3-in-1 coffee sachets from the office pantry home. You are going to get punished real hard today.

Me: Yes Mdm. . . .

Ms Tan: I CAN’T HEAR YOU! *Proceeds to whip me hard across my backside*

Me: YES MDM!


My butt felt numb and raw after getting smacked hard for the next ten or so minutes, but that was unfortunately not the end of my terrible ordeal. She ordered me to strip, and I unwillingly did so after she threatened to drip molten candle wax on me.

It was a terrible mistake. She grew livid when she saw me in my Hello Kitty underwear.





She was so angry, she knocked me out cold with a baton.

When I regain consciousness, I knew my innocence was lost because my you-know-what felt very, very sore. I started tearing uncontrollably, but Ms Tan cruelly ignored me and started smoking. I managed to ask her this in between my sobs:


Me: Have you ever loved me?

Ms Tan: HAHAHAHA!


I hope I won’t get pregnant.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. Just in case you are wondering, I do not have any pink colored Hello Kitty underwear. Thanks.

The long and short about The Visit Part II

Being the professional subordinate I am, I took great pains to prepare for Ms Tan’s visit.

I cleaned up my room and perfumed the toilet. I unplugged my external hard disk, which is full of art films. I even changed into a fresh pair of underwear, just in case the unthinkable happens.

The above efforts may not seem much, but you are talking about a man who has been rushing in and out of the loo over the past two days.

I then spent the next few hours waiting, waiting, and waiting. I couldn’t bear it any longer when the clock struck eight.


Me: Hello eh. . . . Ms Tan?

Me: I was wondering if you are coming, haha. . . .

Ms Tan: I can’t make it. I’m having a very important meeting with a very important client right now.

Ms Tan: But I’ve emailed you some reports to correct. Make sure they are done by Monday.

Me: Yes Mdm.


I would like to think it’s just my imagination, but I swear I heard the words ‘Dear NTUC shoppers’ in the background before she hung up.

I pray fervently that she gets piles.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. I had a hard time explaining to my mum why I had a change of underwear.

The long and short about The Visit

Hello people!

I am typing this with trembling hands because I have been rushing in and out of the loo since yesterday morning. My backside feels very raw, numb, and painful now because of the incessant whipping, and it’s at moments like these when I appreciate that being a gigolo may not be as good a profession as I thought it might be.

That aside, I am very happy because my Doctor was kind enough to give me two days’ worth of MC after giving me a very painful jab down there yesterday. In fact, I am really enjoying the chocolate chip ice cream I am having right now. The not-so-good news is that Ms Tan will be paying me a little house visit to see how I am doing.

Before you start thinking that Ms Tan is a kind and caring superior, I must tell you that ‘house-visits’ are just another name for ‘are-you-malingering?’ spot checks. I think it’s ironic because you’re not exactly doing work either when you waste office hours snooping on your subordinate.

Privacy issue aside, I am very worried because from what I learn from TV, it’s not a very good idea to be home alone with a woman you don’t know very well. In a moment of weakness, Ms Tan might molest me or something. I tried voicing my misgivings over the phone just now:


Me: Eh, it’s very kind of you to visit, but it might not be very convenient because I’m home alone, if you know what I mean.

Ms Tan: Don’t worry. I have a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.


Please help pray for my safety and the safety of my virginity.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. Yes yes, I have updated the other blog already. I can’t believe you guys actually enjoy reading that crap!

The long and short about My National Day

As proof of how patriotic I am, I rushed home in a cab to catch the National Day Parade at home just now. I thought the cab uncle was a fellow patriot because he hung a mini flag by the side of his taxi, and was playing ‘Stand Up For Singapore’ on his stereo. On repeat. I thus wanted to try my luck and ask for a 41 cent discount, but thought the better of it when the uncle cast me a dirty look.

I am very happy because I was back in time to catch the show in its entirety. I think the organizers are sexist because while they made Vincent Ng appear on TV half-naked, they didn’t do the same to any of the female performers. Sibeh sian. They also didn’t fulfill my wish of making our lovely Miss Singapore Universe appear in our lovely national costume.



My mum told me our national costume didn’t used to look like that in the past


Anyway, I really enjoyed the show because it brought back so many memories of the stuff I did when I was a young and innocent kid (just in case you are wondering, I am now a young and innocent man):


- When they play Mari Kita on the TV, I would stand in attention in front of the TV and start singing with gusto.

- Come to think of it, I would stand and sing along to all of the national songs they played. My personal favorite is We Are Singapore. Every time they reach the pledge portion, I feel a tear at the edge of my eyes sia.

- I really, really wanted to be part of the Men In Uniform after watching them march in smartly with their glittering badges and rifles. I was also very impressed by their marksmanship because no one ever gets shot despite so many shots being fired.

- I also wanted to be a pilot after watching the aerial display. That dream was cruelly dashed when the frumpy school nurse told me “Pilot your head lah pilot, you need to wear specs lah.”

- Since I couldn’t be a pilot, I thought being the President would be nice too because I will get chauffeured into the stadium with thunderous applause awaiting me. If fact, if I am President, I will lead the nation in a mass karaoke session of Count On Me, Singapore.


Oh well. The ambitions you have when you are a kid.

Happy Birthday, Singapore :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian.

The long and short about The Quote

I would love to write a really long entry, reply all your lovely comments, and post a few nude pictures of myself if I have the energy. Unfortunately, I do not because I just had a very, very long day at work, and will be cruelly awoken by the alarm clock 6 hours later to prepare for work.

Yes, I will be slogging on National Day.

Here’s a short one before I call it a day: Besides being an aspiring poet, I enjoy coming up with quotes too. This one came to me when I woke up from a nap on the train just now:


“Virginity is like the opposite of fine wine.
It doesn’t appreciate with age or time.”

-Sibeh Sian
Summer, 2006

Just don’t ask what I dreamt about. Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about That Day At The Airport

A few months back, Sushi Eating Friend told me she will be going on a working sojourn to China for the next couple of years. Being the dutiful friend I am, I was there at the airport to see her off.

Now you must understand that I don’t have very good feelings about the airport. Besides getting traumatized there by evil coursemates during my poly attachment, I had terrible childhood memories of that place. When I was young, trips to the airport was meant purely for the purpose of sending rich relatives off to some exotic and expensive destination. My mum, on the other hand, couldn’t even afford a sundae at McDonald’s for whiny little me. Heh.

Lousy memories aside, the airport can be a downright depressing place. For one, you see scores of teary people hugging each other at the departure hall, where words as innocuous as ‘Last Call’ can mean heart break for some. Then you have those who are flying off with no one to kiss goodbye with.

Being the generous friend I am, I told Sushi Eating Friend I’m ready with a hug or a kiss if she needs it. She reciprocated by flashing me the finger. It doesn’t pay to be kind these days.


“Will you be as nice as to send letters?” I’m the type who gets happy whenever I get stuff in the mailbox, even if it’s just junk or bills. “If you’re busy, postcards will do fine too.”

“Maybe. But no promises k?” Sushi Eating Friend is the proverbial non-committal type of guy, except for the fact she’s not a guy. “If I’m free, I might even get a cheap tie for you or something.”

“Deal. And drinks’ on me this time.”


I waved goodbye while her retreating back faded into an oblivion of nameless faces. After standing there for what felt like a very long time, I left.


Then when I was on the bus back, I received an SMS that went, “I’m just shitting you. I will be back in September. Heh.”

I have no idea why I am still friends with Sushi Eating Friend.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Dream Girl

The old and wise say life is all about planning. Since I am not one inclined to arguing with the old and wise because they are also often hard of hearing, I spent my weekend planning about how I can better attract someone of the opposite sex to be my future wife.

“Mr Sian, the problem with you is that you don’t even know what you are looking for in the first place!” remarked the sagely Nerd, who sounded wise even though he is also a Never-Been-Kissed like me. “Even when we go shopping for digital cameras, we list down the technical specifications first, so maybe you can try doing the same.”

His words reminded me of what LemonCloud did recently. With Nerd’s advice in mind, I set about listing the ideal attributes of the ideal partner, sans physical ones:


1) Prefers to shop at This Fashion.
Maybe it’s just me, but the clothes from the humble This Fashion looks way similar to those from Zara, Mango, and what not. It thus makes sense to shop from This Fashion because their clothing cost a fraction of those offered at boutiques. Going by this theory, I conclude that girls who shop at This Fashion are wise and far-sighted, and thus very, very attractive.

On a related note, girls who wear Giordano and U2 are wise too, provided their clothes were bought on heavy discounts.


2) Must be stingy thrifty.
If a girl barks at me to turn off the lights when I’m not using them, I’ll be so happy I think I’ll have an orgasm on the spot.

Bonus points if she asks for extra ketchup at KFC so we can bring them home for future enjoyment :)


3) Must not smoke, drink, gamble, go to gigolos.
Being utterly attractive, I reckon Adrenaline must have been attracted to me at one point or the other when we were back in poly. However, she smokes frequently, clubbed almost nightly, and even booked a male stripper before. Twice.

In view of her many vices, I had to subtly reject her advances over the years. *Keeps fingers crossed that Adrenaline won’t be reading this*


4) Love fast food.
Being an avid fast food lover, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t enjoy deep fried chicken thighs and yummy yum yum French fries. To strengthen the relationship, I will even create our own mini-holiday such as KFC Day and Mos Burger Day, when we will celebrate our love for each other by feasting at the above-mentioned eateries. On a weekly basis.


5) Enjoy the little things in life.
I don’t know about you, but my dream date is to spend the weekend laughing in front of the TV, feeding each other chocolate ice cream and tako balls with lots of mayonnaise. She will also lovingly turn the fan towards me while I use her epilator to pluck off the ugly stubbles on my chin, and everywhere else that needs epilating. Life is so sweet :)


I showed the list to Sushi Eating Friend, whose wardrobe consist mainly of Zara, Mango, and a few Burberries. The only comment she could gave was “Don’t you dare go anywhere near my epilator.”

Sigh. Does the girl of my dream really exist?

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am Crazy: A Supplement

My mum, Nerd, and just about everybody else have been asking why am I subjecting myself to 42.195km of pain, and whether if I’m doing it for the freebies and goodie bag. I am very sad that they think I’m running for such superficial reasons. Just between you and me, I’m running because they promise a nice Adidas shirt for the finisher.

Heh.

Anyway, this is going to be shocking for some of you here, but I actually completed last year’s run. All 42.195km of it, with a good portion spent limping no less. I never told you guys before because if you haven’t noticed, I am a humble man who doesn’t like to yaya-papaya. Haha. *Someone slap me please*.

I’m running again this year because I clocked a horrible timing in 2005: just under 6 hours. Now I know the politically correct thing to say is that everyone who finish the race is a winner, regardless of the timing. But after having Sweet Young Things, aunties, and graying ah peks overtook me last year, I really want to prove to myself that I can better myself this year.

Having said all that, running a marathon is no joke. I was diagnosed with dehydration following last year’s run, and am very glad that I didn’t need to be hospitalized or something. The two-day MC was sweet though. Heh. So please, if you’re thinking of joining, do please spend time, and make that a lot of time, training. Don’t be an idiot like me, who nearly got myself killed by thinking running 30km per week was good enough. Bleah.

But if you think you got what it takes, or are crazy enough to try, a marathon is something you should definitely try at least once in a lifetime, just like peeing in the public. The atmosphere at race day is good enough to justify the horrific training hours you put in, what with the fit and nubile bodies around you and the free 100 Plus. And when you pass the finishing line, I promise you, you will feel exactly like some one who just completed 42.195km.

I feel so fit just typing all that. Time to sleep, right after that packet of Maggie mee.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am Crazy

I just did something that is very, very crazy.





I hope I won’t regret it 4 months down the road.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Singapore’s Next Top Model Part II

After thinking long and hard about it, I have decided to give the modeling job a miss. This is due in no small part to the disparaging remarks from friends and loved ones:


Adrenaline: You know you can never make it as a model. Really. I speak for all that have seen u in person before.

Sunflower: If you can be model, pig can climb tree.

Sushi Eating Friend: The chances of me growing balls are higher.

My Mum: Don’t lah, wait they ask you to pose in swimwear then how?


So I made up my mind, and what could have been a glamorous career filled with camera flashes and sex with really good looking people ended before it had even began. I really thought that was the end of the whole affair, until I got a call this afternoon.


Talent Scout: Really, Mr Sian, it would be a terrible waste if you let go of this golden opportunity. To be frank, I was convinced that I found the New Look of the year when I chanced upon you last week.

Talent Scout: In fact, I’ve spoke with my boss. Even though the official closing date is over, we have reserved a place in the coming modeling course just for you. We will also offer the course at a special rate of $888, with a free make-up box thrown in.

Me: Wah, you guys are really generous! Haha. But I’ve already made up my mind over the weekend. I’m sure you can find someone else who is as hamsen as me.

Talent Scout: Hmmm. . . this is really tough. As we have already reserved a place for you, it’s going to be difficult finding a replacement. Do you have any friends whom you think might be suitable for this job?


Half an hour later, I received a SMS from a very excited Nerd that goes, “Mr Sian! I am going to be a model soon!”

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Crime Watcher

Diana Sher: Good evening everyone. I am Diana Sher, and welcome to another episode of Crime Watcher.

Diana Sher: We are proud to have with us tonight, Inspector Christopher Keanu DeSouza from Jalan Sibeh Ulu station.

Christopher Keanu DeSouza: Hi everyone, I am DeSouza. You can call me DeSouza. *Flashes white pearlies. Cue swooning from ladies in the audience*

Diana: And a very good evening to you, Inspector DeSouza. Sir, would you like to go through what we will be covering in tonight’s program?

DeSouza: My pleasure, Diana. Tonight, we will go through some recent case studies on local crime that was committed locally by local and non-local criminals, and give you some general tips on crime prevention. We also seek your assistance with an unsolved crime, which we will present at the end of this program.

Diana: Without further ado, let’s examine our first case for the night. The recent hot spell in Singapore has sparked an undesirable phenomena in our city-state: There has been a sharp spike in the number of people walking around naked in their flats in the second quarter of this year.

DeSouza: Indeed, being a conservative Asian society, we are very, very disturbed. Tonight, we will examine the case of Ms Suzy Ong, famed local buxomy TV starlet, who was caught showing off her brown bits in her apartment on several occasions.


Studio TV starts showing a video montage of Ms Suzy Ong, who upon reaching home, stripped to absolutely nothing and started using the hoola hoop. Audible gasps were heard from the audience, with a few male members rushing off to the washroom, presumably to avert their eyes from the immoral sight


Diana: That was very disturbing indeed. It’s outrageous to think that a young, nubile and attractive woman of stature such as Ms Ong would walk around her apartment naked. Can you advise us on the follow up action to this despicable act, Inspector DeSouza?

Diana: Inspector DeSouza? *Nudges DeSouza, whose eyes remain transfixed to the video*

DeSouza: Oh! Ahem. *clears throat* Apologies, I was shocked beyond words by the show of decadence despite having watched this for the umpteen time due to professional reasons.

DeSouza: Anyway, rest assured that we are taking a very serious view of this situation, and have summoned Ms Ong to the station for several interviews already. Unfortunately, no complaints have been made regarding Ms Ong’s appearances, and as such, no charges have been pressed yet. But to prevent future occurrences, we have mounted additional patrols around Ms Ong’s residence, just to make sure we are there to catch her red-handed if she decides to disrobe again.

Diana: Thanks, Inspector DeSouza, I am glad to hear we are taking such a proactive approach for the case.

Diana: Moving on, let us now examine a case of fraud. Recently, there have been reports of Orchard shoppers being approached by a group of people claiming to be talent scouts for a certain modeling agency.

DeSouza: Their modus operandi are as follows: When approached, the victims will be told that the agency is looking for unconventional looking models for an upcoming project. Using lures of fame and high monetary returns, the victims are then convinced to part with a four-figure sum as part of the mandatory make-over package and port-folio.


Studio TV starts showing a video interview with an unnamed victim, whose eyes were mosaic-ed to protect his identity.

Unidentified Victim: I thought I was going to be a model, but the agent rejected all my calls after I gave him the initial deposit that is equivalent of 500 packs of chicken rice. I hope you will not be as stupid as me, otherwise you will be sibeh sian too.*End of video interview*


Diana: That is very sad indeed. And I must add that the syndicate is extremely cruel to give false hopes to someone who is obviously so buck-ugly.

DeSouza: They are very cruel indeed. We would like to advise all members of the public to grow a brain and not be taken in so easily.

DeSouza: And now we come to the final portion of tonight’s program. We would like to seek your assistance in solving the following unsolved crime that has yet to be solved.

Diana: On the early morning of 24 July 2006, a bus conductor was viciously assaulted after a passenger refused to show her EZY-Link pass when requested.


Studio TV starts showing the re-enactment of the crime scene. The bus conductor was shown nudging the aggressor, who was napping when the incident occurred. Upon waking up with a start at the nudge, the aggressor screamed “I no money for you to rob lah!” before delivering a swift elbow to the victim’s nuts. She then scurries off when the bus reached Toa Payoh Lorong 1 wet market, and taunted “Don’t play play with old folks ah!” at the victim, who lay in pain and agony on the dirty bus floor


DeSouza: Following investigations, we have identified the suspect as Madam Lao Ah Mah, aged 86. She stands at a formidable 1.5m, and weighs approximately 40kg. Please call our hotline if you have seen the suspect. We also advise you to keep a distance and not to provoke the suspect, who is armed with a deadly steel-tipped walking cane.

Diana: And that wraps up our program tonight. I am Diana Sher, and I hope you have enjoyed tonight’s Crime Watcher.

DeSouza: Remember: low crime doesn’t mean no crime. Good night. *Flashes white pearlies*


With Love,
Sibeh Sian