The long and short about Sleepless In Toa Payoh

I’ve finally watched Sleepless In Seattle in its entirety over dinner yesterday.



And when two lovers meet


Here’s a brief synopsis if you’ve been living under a rock like what I’ve been doing all these years: Sleepless In Seattle is about this raving psycho who traveled half-way across the country to look for this guy she's infatuated with after hearing him whine about how much he misses his dearly-departed wife on the radio. But since the said stalker was played by the very lovely Meg Ryan, many mistook it for one of the loveliest romantic comedies of all time.

Besides the sinister undertones, the show talked a lot about destiny, about how that stranger across the street could be the love of your life, just that you don’t know it yet. That got me feeling optimistic because, who knows, that lovely office lady who always takes the 7:30am train at Toa Payoh might just be The One for me. Heh.

Seriously though, some times I lay sleepless on my forlorn King-sized bed, and I wonder when I get to heaven as a virgin, will my maker say something like “Sorry, I forgot to plan a Significant Other for you.” Now that may not be such a far-fletched scenario as it sounds because when I was in the army, my sergeant once told me, “Sorry, I forgot to plan lunch.”

Now this is all very sad to me, because you get really hungry when you don’t get lunch. And it’s not that I’ve not been trying. In my bid to become more attractive, I tried to get a better chest by pulling this latex chest expander, which unfortunately snapped and hit me squarely across the face after just a month’s worth of usage. I tried to improve my IQ by signing up for this Mega Memory package in my teens, but ended up nearly flunking my ‘O’ prelims. I’ve also once saved my canteen break money over months to treat a crush to Jack’s Place on Christmas Eve, only to cry buckets after she cancelled the date at the very last minute. Oh well.

In my disillusionment, I resolved to stop my then daily diet of love songs by Michael Learns To Rock, and sappy love stories such as Sleepless In Seattle. But like every sucker who carries a hope that there really is someone who will one day say we are MFEO, it’s hard to remain a cynic.

And it’s a great feeling, really. It adds that little flush to your cheeks. It gives your step that extra spring. It gives you that little something to look forward to every time you open your eyes in the morning. And looking at Meg and Tom gazing lovingly at each other on top of the Empire State Building just now, I’m willing to bet every penny that it’s a wonderful feeling to be in L o v e.


“Sleepless in Seattle?” quizzed Sushi Eating Friend over dinner just now, “I must have watched that like a dozen times. I still think When Harry Met Sally is the better show though.”

“Hey, I’ve never asked you this, but have you ever considered giving that four-lettered word that begins with a capital L another chance?” Sushi Eating Friend suffered a crashing heartbreak back in our uni days, and hasn’t dated since.

She smiled wistfully and looked pensively at nowhere in particular in the distance before slowly replying, “Maybe. Just maybe.”


Sigh. Happy belated Valentine’s, everyone.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Why Contentment Is The Recipe For Happiness

I was bitching to Nerd over supper just now, about how dreadful things in my life are going. And seriously, things are kind of bad: My promotion is nowhere in sight, Ms Tan kept bossing me around at work, and I got conned at my favorite fast food just recently.

“But Mr Sian!” interjected Nerd half-way, “You must realize that contentment is the recipe for happiness!” And he goes on to elaborate on what he meant:


- Instead of feeling sorry for myself for not getting promoted, I should be thankful that I still have a job.

- Instead of feeling sad that I don’t have a girlfriend, I should be thankful that my mama still loves me lots.

- Instead of feeling murderous towards the barber who cut my hair way too short last Friday night, I should be thankful that I am not bald.

- Instead of complaining about the dreadful KFC O.R. Chicken Chop, I should be thankful that I still have food on my plate.

- Instead of feeling miserable about that small amount of money in my bank account, I should be thankful that I didn’t accumulate a shitload of debts in the recent World Cup.

- Instead of bitching about the two and a half years I spent in NS, I should be thankful that I don’t have to deal with monthly periods.


I asked Nerd if he has turned religious, but it turns out that he has just been reading a lot of self-help book lately. Heh.

Sushi Eating Friend was not as nice though. When I told her about my impending modeling career, all she could say was, “I hope you will fit nicely in the Barney suit.”

I have no idea why I am still friends with Sushi Eating Friend.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about How Environmentally Friendly I Am

I am really glad that the weekend is here because I have had a really horrible week. Besides getting conned at my favorite fastfood restaurant recently, I have been saddled with a lot of shit work at the office. I have also taken over all the data-entry assignments that I assigned to Nerd during his internship. Talk about Karma.

Anyway, like I was saying, I am really glad the weekends are here. I am not too sure if I will enjoy today though. Sushi Eating Friend is bringing me to watch this environmental show about food and fibre, and I bet it’s going to be boring. I think it’s called Nacho Libre or something. I hope I won’t fall asleep.

But nevermind about me. Enjoy your weekend folks :D!

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about That Sucky Piece of Chicken

I have a very, very sad piece of news for everyone today: The new KFC O.R. Chicken Chop sucks big time. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

To their credit, I think the marketing team did a superb job with the O.R. chicken print ad. When I saw that big juicy piece of chicken coated with delightful looking mushroom sauce on a poster last week, I told myself I must get my teeth on that wonderful looking thing come what may.

Alas, great expectations are usually accompanied with great disappointments. In fact, ‘disappointment’ is an understatement because the O.R. Chicken Chop sucks so much, I’m considering boycotting KFC for an indefinite period of time. Now that is a big deal for me, considering how much I adore KFC.

Anyway, here’s a blow-by-blow review of why the O.R. Chicken Chop sucks:


1) The Price:
My date with O.R. started on a wrong footing when I learnt at the ordering counter that the damn meal cost a whopping $5.95. Considering that I can get a two-piece meal with two sides and a drink at that price, this chicken chop thingy better be worth my money.

2) The Size:
The size of the chicken chop is in inverse proportion with its container, which was large. I reckoned it’s probably the same size as the chicken patty you get in a Zinger. Tamade.

3) The Sauce:
The ‘specially-made mushroom gravy’, as claimed by KFC, tasted suspiciously similar to the whipped potato gravy. I took a few more bites before I discovered my error. Silly me, it’s not whipped potato gravy. It’s whipped potato gravy with chopped button mushrooms. Heh.

4) The Chicken Chop:
I felt like I was eating a piece of supersized nugget that was deep-fried twice over. Or maybe thrice. Or maybe many many many times over.


I could go on and on about how bad it is, but really, words are not enough to describe my disdain and disgust. In fact, it being so indescribably bad, I suggest everyone go try a piece of the very sucky O.R. Chicken Chop, just to discover for yourself how sucky it is.

But I guess it’s just as well. In view of my coming career as a model/actor, I really should start watching my weight.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Singapore’s Next Top Model

I have a very important announcement to make today: I am going to be a model/actor soon.

It all started on Monday, when I was stopped by someone while walking along the Orchard underpass. I initially thought he was some insurance agent or con man, but it turns out that he is a talent scout from this modeling agency instead! Apparently, he was very impressed by my looks (his words, not mine), and told me he will be contacting me soon after getting my number.

I didn’t place too much hope on his promise because I am all too aware of my buck-ugliness physical limitations. So you can imagine my excitement when he really did give me a call just now. I was told that the agency is looking for unconventional looking models instead of the usual pretty faces, and I stand to land big projects that pay in the 4-figure region if I sign up.

Before I can start earning the 4-figure projects though, I was told that I have to first fork out a 4-figure sum for a modeling package, which includes stuff like make-over photos and basic modeling courses. This is not inclusive of the additional charges I have to pay for the model/actor package, the model/actor/host package, or the model/actor/host/singer package. I don't think I can cut it as a host or a singer, so the last two options are out for now.

I am now in a big dilemma because I was told that vacancies are very limited, and I have to confirm my decision by Friday. I also have to pay a down payment that is equivalent to approximately 500 packets of chicken rice.

So what should I do huh? I really want to be a model leh :(

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about How To Get Successful Through Your Blog

It’s tough being bloggers these days. Imagine this: you could wake up one morning to find yourself out of work, sued off your pants, or polishing bars in jail simply because you wrote about your boss’ smelly armpits or something. This is one scary world that we are living in.

But have no fear! Like what the wise would say, there is always a silver lining after a storm, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I used to think the wise are bullshitting until I experienced their wisdom myself. After that initial scare with Office Bimbo, I not only managed to circumvent the situation with my decoy blog, but also discovered that it could possibly be the solution to my problem of getting perpetually overlooked during the bonus period.

Yes people. Instead of getting into trouble at work for what you write in your blog, get promoted instead.

Henceforth, I am going to write about how wonderful my co-workers are, how charismatic they sound when they order char kway teow, and how gorgeous my Boss looks while scratching his balls when he thought no one is watching. I will stop bitching about the overtimes, stop bitching about the backstabbing, and start talking about how much I love meetings. And I will make sure the whole office knows about it.

So I sent an email to the entire office this afternoon:


“Hello everyone :D!

I am very happy to announce here that I have started a blog at http://happyofficeboy.blogspot.com. I started this blog because I love the company so much, I absolutely have to tell the whole word about it :D!

Please visit my blog often! It is very funny! And interesting! You people are the most wonderful people I know, and I love you all :)

See ya!
Sibeh “Happy Office Boy” Sian :)”


Being a Man of Action, I followed up my email with lots of “Have you read my blog :) ?” whenever I bump into my colleagues. I have no idea why, but they all ignored me. Then I asked my Boss to “Please leave a comment ok?”, and he had to rudely reply with a “Leave a comment your hong gan head lah leave a comment!”

You may be vulgar, but I want to let you know that I still love you Boss :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Think I Am Quite Smart

I can’t stand it.

Ever since that unfortunate incident a week back, Office Bimbo has been making all sorts of excuse to come over to my cubicle and peep at my monitor. Besides living under the constant fear that I will get exposed (this blog, not my zipper), I am also very irritated because I haven’t been able to play Spider Solitaire in peace.

Being a Man of Action, I’ve decided to take things into my own hands. So this morning, I marched up to Office Bimbo while she was preparing her kopi, looked at her straight in the eyes, and very solemnly intoned, “I confess: I am indeed a Blogger.”

I then proceeded to show her this.

I think I can be quite smart at times :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. I have no idea why, but Office Bimbo looked very, very disturbed after reading the blog. She also avoided taking the lift with me when we were knocked off from work just now. I wonder why.

The long and short about Why You Should Keep Your Doors Locked

Caught a cough. Caught a flu. Caught by my mum for doing something I shouldn’t be caught doing in the master bedroom.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about You Cha Kueh

*I was told the following story by Office Bimbo, who swears it is true*


Before I joined the company, there was a period of time when the building was infested with rats.

Ok, I’m just exaggerating. There were just a few sightings, but it was enough to make the building management to call in the exterminators. As one of the extermination measures, all occupants of the building were required to record the type of food that they bring in at the security counter log book.

The story goes that my Boss was stopped by a security guard when he refused to log down the breakfast he brought one morning.



Yummy yum yum


Boss: Aiyah! It’s just ‘you cha kueh’! No need to write down one lah!

Security Guard: Cannot, my boss say everything also must record, if not I will get sacked one!

Boss: Don’t worry! I know your boss! It’s ok one!

Security Guard: Don’t care, either you eat finish your ‘you cha kueh’ now or you write down the details at the log book.


The heated exchange continued until my Boss finally realized he is not going to get to his office if that continues. So he finally logged down the particulars after muttering a not-so-quiet ‘hong gan’ under his breath.

Before he could take the lift to our office though, he was stopped by the security guard who came running after him.


Security Guard: Oei Mister! You are too much lah! How can you write F U C K under the ‘Food Brought In’ section in my log book?

Boss: Don’t be crazy lah!

Boss: I was just using an abbreviation.

Boss: It stands for Fried U Cha Kueh.


Very, very naughty.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am A Changed Man

I discovered another key reason why I’ve been gaining weight lately.

Ever since I joined the company, I have been getting my lunch from the Chinese cooked food stall everyday without fail. As such, I have attained the Most Favored Eater status with the stall auntie, who rewards my loyalty with extra rice, extra veggies, and extra meatballs. Which accounts for the extra kilos when I place myself on the weighing machine.


“Don’t you get sick of eating the same stuff over and over again?” asked Office Bimbo when I returned to the table with yet another mountainous plate of rice. “Even if you like the stall that much, you can vary the dishes you know?”

“But I like my tofu-potato-meatballs combo!” I am a change-resistant kind of guy.

“Oh well, I should have known.” said Office Bimbo with a flick of her hair and a roll of her eyes. “No wonder you are never a hit with girls.”


I hate to admit this, but Office Bimbo is right. If you haven’t already noticed, I am a boring-as-hell kind of guy whose idea of fun is to spend the weekend in front of the TV with cola on my left and chips on the right. I once went on a date with a uni classmate, who terminated it prematurely by saying she needs to rush home to charge her handphone battery. I suspect the real reason was because I spent too much time talking about how fun Chinese Chess can be.

“What you need to do is to introduce some variety in your life.” Office Bimbo was unusually generous with her advice recently. “Add some spice and bring out the animal in you. Girls will come flocking, I tell you.”


I thought long and hard about her words, and again, I had to concede that Office Bimbo made a lot of sense. From what I learn from TV and female magazines, girls do like guys with that certain edge. And again, in line with my Man of Action Resolution, I made my move today at the canteen.


“Hello 小弟! You want your tofu-potato-meatballs combo right?” Auntie was always very happy to see me come lunch time.

“Eh, not today, haha. . . .”

“Huh?!?!?! Then what to you want to eat?”


I took a deep breath.


“Instead of my tofu-potato-meatballs combo, I would like to have a tofu-potato-meatballs combo with extra gravy please.”


I am a changed man :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about A Very Big Problem

As if what happened yesterday was not bad enough, more bad news awaited me this morning when I was preparing for work. I have been trying to deny this for quite some time now, but it’s official: I had to loosen my belt by two notches to accommodate my ever-expanding waistline.

Why, KFC, why?!?!?!?

Anyway, I’ve decided some time ago that I am going to be a Man of Action. Instead of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, I’ve come up with a list of potential regimes to get my body back to shape.


Regime #01:
Use the stairs to get home instead of using the lift.
Evaluation:
Although I live on the second floor, I’m sure the short exercise will prove to be beneficial in the long run. But I’m kind of worried that there might be perverts lurking at the staircase, so maybe this is not a very good idea after all.

Regime #02:
Use the stairs to get to the office instead of using the lift.
Evaluation:
You’ve got to be kidding me. I work in the 16th level.

Regime #03:
Stop having ice cream for dessert after lunch.
Evaluation:
Sounds like a plan. I think I will go with ice kachang instead.

Regime #04:
Stop having maggi mee for supper.
Evaluation:
I actually tried this just now, but caved in after my stomach started growling really badly by 11pm. I’ve thus concluded that this is an unfeasible solution because if there is no Mee, there is no Me. Haha.


As you can see, I am really trying my best to lose weight, but to no avail. I tried pouring my sorrows to Sushi Eating Friend over dinner just now, but all she could offer was “Don’t worry, women won’t notice your weight because they won’t notice you in the first place.”

I have no idea why I am still friends with Sushi Eating Friend.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am In Very, Very Deep Shit

I am in very, very deep shit.

I was settling comfortably into my now familiar routine of replying your comments this morning, in the cozy comfort of my office cubicle after a warm and fulfilling breakfast. For want of a better description, hell freezes over my brain when I heard the words “Are you blogging?” from behind my back.

It was Office Bimbo.

I never pressed ALT+TAB faster before in my life. I also used the distraction that I have been saving for dire situations such as this one: Without missing a beat, I very solemnly intoned, “Office Bimbo! Have you been eating a lot recently?”

Yes, I know I am evil, but that was the best way to send her scurrying off elsewhere, presumably the washroom to scrutinize her waistline.

The good news is that she didn’t bring up the matter following her return trip from the loo. The bad news is that I’ve caught her trying to get a peep at my monitor every now and then. Damn.

But not to worry folks, I have taken all necessary precautions to prevent any accidental leakage of information about this blog. I’ve cleared my cookies, erased my history, and selected a Barney wallpaper as the last line of deterrence to would-be intruders. My plans are as tight as Whisper Ultra Tight.

Unfortunately, that also means that I will only be able to post entries and reply your comments in wee hours, such as now. I can only pray that her curiosity will soon blow over.

I is so sibeh sian.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Why I Feel Like Strangling My Boss At Times

I’ve noticed a very disturbing pattern. When I blogged about Sushi Eating Friend, you guys tried persuading me to go after her. When I blogged about Adrenaline, you guys were convinced that we can be an item, even though she is getting married this coming December. Then I blogged about Nerd, and you guys suggested we go ‘broke-back’ together.

I am thus very worried because today, I am going to blog about my Boss.

Now I have to state here that I respect my Boss a lot. He is making big money despite having only a PSLE cert, and although vulgar, has proved on many situations that he can be a very caring and generous boss. What I can’t stand however, is that he loves to ask very, very intellectually challenging questions at times. Here are a few samples:


Situation #01:
When his handphone started ringing in the middle of our meeting:
Intellectually Challenging Question #01:
“Why is my handphone ringing?” In a very angry, accusing tone directed at me.

Situation #02:
When I called him regarding a very urgent business situation:
Intellectually Challenging Question #02:
“Why did you call me while I’m peeing?” In a very angry, accusing tone directed at me.

Situation #03:
When he came in late for work the other day:
Intellectually Challenging Question #03:
“Why did my car break down?” In a very angry, accusing tone directed at me.

Situation #04:
When he read on the papers that oil prices climbed again :
Intellectually Challenging Question #04:
“Why did the oil prices climbed again?” In a very angry, accusing tone directed at me.


I think my Boss don’t really like me very much.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Discovery Of The Week

Omigod!

I can’t believe this. I actually have a fan site!

I feel very loved now :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian


P.S. I was reading my past entries, and thought that I’ve probably not done Sushi Eating Friend justice with her previous pic. So here’s a more suitable one:



I am Woman, hear me roar!


You can read about her profile here if you are interested.

The long and short about Nerd’s Farewell

Damn that Nerd. After making me all emo over his farewell on Wednesday, he had to scare me by popping out of my cubicle when I went to work this morning. I was even more freaked when he said, “Mr Sian! I’m back because I miss you!”

Thank goodness he was just joking. It turns out that he didn’t managed to get a 2-day MC, and thus had to come back for his last day of work. I think he got a good deal though. For some reason, my Boss was feeling very happy today, and took everyone out for lunch to give Nerd a proper farewell. I have no idea why, but Office Bimbo kept giving us that I-know-what-you-did-last-night smile, while Ms Tan was asking stupid questions like, “So are you sad or not, your brother leaving already leh.” Nerd didn’t help things a bit with his suggestion of a group Neo-Print, which made Boss go “Muahaha, you hong gan lah you!”

Anyway, I suspect Boss struck lottery or something because he was even generous enough to give Nerd a half day off after lunch. So I was in the cubicle alone just now, when I received another surprise: there was a brand new mouse in my drawer. Damn that Nerd. I have been complaining about how my mouse has not been responsive lately, and he really went and get one for me. I think he is trying to make me feel guilty for all the data-entry jobs that I’ve been giving him.

The mouse even came with a note attached, which I will reproduce in its entirety here:


“Dear Mr Sian,

Hello! Hope you like the mouse. Do be assured that even though it comes with a note attached, the gift doesn’t come with any strings attached. Haha.

Anyway, what I want to say is that I want to thank you for your guidance over the past ten weeks. Even though I have not learned anything useful here, I am still very grateful because I found a friend. That may sound very simple, but that actually meant a lot to me because I don’t really have many friends, haha.

I wish you all the best for your career and your health, and I also pray that we will both fulfill our dream of losing our virginity soon. But not to each other of course, haha. Oh a related note, I think you don’t have to intro Sushi Eating Friend to me because I still like my Heartless Girl very much. Not to mention, I think Sushi Eating Friend is interested in someone whom we both know, haha.

Take care, and try not to spend so much time on naughty websites.

Cheers,
Nerd”


Damn that Nerd. For making me feel emo again.

Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Other Side Of Nerd

Without really realizing it, Nerd has been with the company for almost ten weeks already, and this is his last week of internship. Somehow, he knew he will be on MC today and tomorrow, so I treated him to a farewell lunch yesterday.

I am kind of sad to see him go. Although he irritated the hell out of me initially, we became good buddies over the many rounds of Puzzle Fighter at the office PC. We also had a good time reminiscing about the troubles we managed to get ourselves into during the short ten weeks, the evilness of Ms Tan, and the mystery about why we our crushes never worked out.

The steaks were very delicious, but when the bill came, I realized I was in trouble. I didn’t have enough cash, and the waiter smilingly told me that they don’t accept NETS. I thought I will be spending some time at the lockup until Nerd calmly opened his wallet and took out a Platinum credit card to settle the bill.

What the?!?!?!


Me: Nerd!!!! You have a Platinum card wor!!!!

Nerd: Huh? Oh. Haha. . . . Not really mine lah, it’s a sup card from my dad.


It turns out that Nerd’s dad is a retired Air Force colonel who is now running his own business. He stays in this swanky bungalow at Bukit Timah, though I would never have guessed because Nerd gets his shirts from factory outlets, takes the bus with me, and still uses a non-color phone without fanciful camera or MP3 functions. He also never told his beloved Heartless Girl about any of this because he doesn’t want her to be with him simply because he is rich. In his own words, “Aiyah, it’s my dad who is rich and not me. I feel weird in showing off something that I have done nothing to deserve, haha. . . .”

I felt very ashamed at Nerd’s words. I hankered after a credit card for the longest time because if truth be told, I want to show off and flaunt it whenever possible. I am shallow, and thought that piece of plastic would get me more friends. But here is this guy who takes pains in hiding his affluent background. In my shame, I look at the unassuming Nerd with a new found respect.

I would have treated him to dinner after work, if not for the fact he is meeting Heartless Girl, who got her heart broken again by her on-and-off boyfriend. Nerd was sad at leaving too, but not so sad to leave the mundane data entry tasks that I have been giving him, haha. We promise to keep in contact though. So we shook hands, and gave each other a brotherly hug while saying our goodbyes.

Office Bimbo saw us in the middle of our embrace when she passed by the cubicle. She looked very, very disturbed.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2010 Part II

Blogger’s note: You might want to read Part I here, otherwise you will catch no ball. Pun intended, haha. And I swear this will be the last entry about World Cups. Really. I think.


Brian Richman: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Hello and welcome to World Cup 2010, Singapore Vs Brazil: The Reunion Show.

Brian: Again, we are very proud to have with us here Mr Fandi Alamak as my co-host tonight.

Fandi Alamak: Hello everyone, I am Fandi. *Flashes megawatt smile*.

Brian: Fandi, what do you think of the shocking 16 – 1 whipping of our local boys by Brazil?

Fandi: Actually, it’s not a very bad result already. Statistically speaking, it is possible to score a goal under a minute. Which means Brazil could have beaten us 90 to 1. But they didn’t, and I think we have to give our defense some credit for that.

Brian: I agree with you Fandi. In fact, considering the fact that 8 of Brazil’s goals were own goals, we could have lost by 98 to 1 instead. Let’s give a big round of applause to our boys, shall we?

*uncomfortable silence as the studio audience remains dead silent*

Brian: Eh, ahem, let’s hear from the players themselves about what they have to say about the match.


*large TV projector in the studio starts showing interviews of unidentified players with mosaic-ed faces*


Unidentified Player A: You know, it’s not our fault for losing the match. It’s the darn pitch. It was so darn bloody uneven.

Unidentified Player B: Walau, sibeh not fair ok?!? I hor, I was going to shoot in one, but hor, their player shirt sibeh bright yellow, until I cannot aim properly! Sibeh kelong ah, kani. . . .

Unidentified Player C: Alamak, I also don’t know what happened lah brudder! But I swear the $10,000 I made from that bet on the Brazilians has got nothing to do with my performance!

Unidentified Botak French Coach: Rooney made us lose it.


*Loud murmurings were heard in the studio at that statement. The videoed interviews end*


Brian: Dear viewers, what he meant was of course the biggest controversy this World Cup. In a horrific repeat of the 2006 Final, Rooney was sent off in the dying minutes of the game for head-butting the referee.

Fandi: Rooney refused to comment on the incident despite numerous queries from the press. But according to video playbacks, it appeared that he lost it after the referee repeatedly fondled his nipples throughout the match.

Brian: That’s why we should not have got Dick Lee as the referee. Damn.

Fandi: Well, what’s butted cannot be unbutted, nor can what was fondled be unfondled. We are a forward-looking nation, and we already have in place a solid game plan to bring the Cup home come 2014.

Brian: In fact, we are very pleased to have Dr Tak Giu, Minister of State for Football Development, as our guest speaker tonight. A round of applause for Dr Tak please.

Dr Tak Giu: Hi everyone, I am Dr Tak.

Brian: And a very good evening to you, Dr Tak. Sir, may we hear about the exciting plans the ministry has the future of local football?

Dr Tak: You will be very happy to know that we have very exciting plans indeed. In fact, we have just signed a multi-million dollar deal for Michael Jordan to join the national squad. He will be very lethal up front as a striker alongside Rooney.

Fandi: Eh, that is very nice to hear, Dr Tak, but I think Michael Jordan plays basketball and not football.

Dr Tak: Huh?!? Is it? Oh. But don’t worry, it shouldn’t matter because it’s all balls anyway. Haha. As an added assurance, we also got Ricky Martin, who participated in the 1998 World Cup, as our goalkeeper.

Brian: And I’m sure everything will turn out fine too. Dr Tak, we understand you will also be revealing the new slogan for our World Cup aspirations tonight?

Dr Tak: Oh yes of course. After the very catchy ‘Goal 2010’ that we adopted years back, we have spend millions of dollars recently to come up with something that is as good, if not better. After much deliberation, we have decided to adopt a slogan that is truly inspirational and original.

Dr Tak: The new slogan is Goal 2014.

Fandi: *Tears* Dr Tak! That is such a good and original slogan!

Dr Tak: Haha, I think so too. It was money well spent.

Brian: It was indeed Sir. Thank you for your precious time in gracing our show tonight. We thank you viewers too for staying with us. Have a good weekend, and let us pray for a good Goal 2014.


*Show ends with Ricky Martin’s Cup of Life (Hougang remix) broadcasted in the background*


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Poly Gathering Part IV

Updated!


When old friends meet after not having met for a long while, the sort of questions they ask are more or less the same. How is your job, when are you getting married, how the hell did you get so fat and ugly. That sort of thing.

Not Ah Sai though. The first thing she said when we met at Orchard MRT was “You are Sibeh Sian right?!?!?!?”

I am sibeh sian indeed. Literally.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Ah Sai is Adrenaline. Which means I can’t bitch about her openly anymore, not unless I want my deepest darkest secrets to spring forth from her blog. But then again, I don’t have much to complain about Adrenaline because she is such an intelligent, generous, kind, beautiful and fantabulous sort of friend. Heh.

Or at least, that’s what I wanted to do initially. People, I have a very important announcement to make here: Sibeh Sian is going to be a New Man, starting from this very instant, no more procrastination. I shall no longer be manipulated by evil superiors, scheming Sweet Young Things masquerading as ‘Financial Advisers’, or bloggers with bully-like tendencies who threatens you with what they know about you in Real Life. Yes, I am a Man reborn.

To prevent Adrenaline from spoiling my reputation by telling you all my deepest and darkest secrets, I shall take the initiative and counteract her Rumors of Mass Destruction with a pre-emptive strike: I will tell you people about my deepest and darkest secrets before she does.

Here it goes.


(The following section is not really for the under-aged. Proceed at your own discretion)


Question #01: What is your greatest sexual fantasy?
Women falling themselves over me while screaming “Impregnate me, oh Monsieur Sian! Impregnate me!” And I will brush them off with a very cool, “Not today darlings, I’m having my period.”


Question #02: Who is your greatest sexual fantasy?
Rei Ayanami


Question #03: Which is the sexiest part of your body?
My bulging, hard, and perpetually glistering nostrils.


Question #04: How did it felt when you popped the cherry for the very first time?
I didn’t quite like it. If you ask me, cherries taste a bit like almonds, but yuckier.


Question #05: Do you harbor any secret fantasies of your colleagues?
Yes, I do. I secretly fantasize about me suddenly becoming the boss and firing Ms Tan. And then rehiring her as the new cleaning auntie. Haha.


Question #06: Have you ever slept naked before?
Yes, I did. There was once when I fell asleep at the toilet bowl while shitting after a shower.


Question #07: What is the naughtiest thing you have ever said to anyone?
Teacher, I forgot to do my homework.


I hope your voyeuristic curiosity has been satisfied.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian


Update:


Ok, this update is in response to the queries about what we did that night. Frankly, the four of us (another two couldn’t make it at the last minute) didn’t do much except eating.

I have no idea why but my brilliant suggestion of dining at Burger King was shot down by Adrenaline. She must really hate me because she dissed my follow-up suggestion of KFC too. Then she rejected my final offer of Pizza Hut because she claims that she wants to remain slim for her coming wedding in December.

We finally ended up at this bistro near Borders, where she ordered two ten-inch pizzas. What the?!?!?!

After gossiping about who-and-who’s and reminiscing about our glorious tradition of skipping lectures to play 大老二 during our poly days, we soon got hungry again. We made our way to Café Cartel where we ordered a big-ass platter of snacks, which was gone in fifteen minutes. This was followed up by this really huge 10-scoop-ice-cream-with-cookies-&-brownies-&-chocolate-fudge thingy:



Very, very sinful thing


Which we also took just 15 minutes to finish:


Apparently, my friends were not very happy with my repeated requests for photos


Adrenaline? Staying slim for her wedding?

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy Part VII

As I have predicted for some time, the French Italians won.

I hope you enjoyed the 'live' telecast of World Cup 2006. We hope to see you again in 2010.

Time for bed. Right after I visit the loo.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy Part VI

The ang mos really, really hate me. It’s now down to the very hair-pulling, nail-biting, panty-tearing penalty shoot-out. I hope they settle it there and then, if not my shorts will get very smelly.

And Zidane is sibeh fierce sia.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy Part V

Damn those ang mos! Extra time. They die die don’t want to let me go relieve my bowels.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy Part IV

Half-time report: I have no idea why, but the Milo is making my stomach go haywire. I hope I can hold everything in till the end of the match.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy Part III

Some Itallian fellow scored when I was busy posting the previous entry. Sibeh, sibeh chou ji dan.

I revise my prediction to 10 – 1 in favor of France.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy Part II

Walau. Zidane scored a penalty while I was brewing a cup of Milo. Sibeh chou jidan.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2006: France Vs Italy

Good morning ladies, gentlemen, and Mousketeers. Hello and welcome to World Cup 2006. This is Sibeh Sian reporting ‘live’ from Toa Payoh.

It has been a very good and very bad World Cup. After a series of very good and very bad matches, the games finally cumulate in the showdown between France and Italy, which will commence in a matter of minutes. I would like to thank Channel 5 for their very generous coverage of the Semis and Finals, and I would also like to not thank Channel 5 for not showing any of the other matches.

Sibeh Sian boldly predicts an ending score of 10 – 0 in favor of France. This is based on my years of experience from watching NBA matches, and based also on the fact that French fries taste very, very nice. Remember, you heard about the results here first at The Misadventures of Sibeh Sian.

Hope everyone will have a good match, and that our bosses will be very forgiving when we report late for work tomorrow. Cheers.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Poly Gathering Part III

I just got back from the gathering.

Ah Sai is Adrenaline. Adrenaline is Ah Sai.

The world is very small. And I am so dead.


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

P.S. Will relate how I got tortured after I recovered from the trauma. By the way Adrenaline, you had very nice hair tonight. You were also very pretty.

P.P.S. I hope they don’t slice off people’s tongue in the afterlife for lying.

The long and short about The Poly Gathering Part II

YES! My original template is finally back. If you must know, the pink was really starting to irritate me. In my relentless quest to become more manly, that color doesn’t go well with me at all. Heh.

I am looking forward to the gathering tonight. In fact, I have prepared presents for them already. Now most of them are quite well-off and doesn’t need material stuff, so my gifts come in the form of jokes. I assure you they are 100% original and you won’t find them anywhere else. Here’s a sample:


Q: Which is saddest season of them all?


You can click here for the answer.


I am so funny. Haha.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Love You

Nerd forwarded me this email yesterday, which goes along the line of ‘you should never procrastinate in telling someone “I love you”, because when you finally do, it may be too late’.

That email touched something deep inside me. I really don’t want to lie helpless with regret on my death bed, and so I am going to say it. And I am going to say it right here, right now, right on this page.

I love you, KFC.

We first met on that long forgotten TV station known as SBC. I knew you but you didn’t know me. Love at first sight when I was smitten by images of your healthy golden tan and fried crispy skin. Hard to think you came from an old foogey from the military.

You were always so near yet so far. You titillate my senses every time I pass you by. All that separate us was just a few lousy bucks. Oh, the joy I felt when my mum finally brought me in! And whispered the magical words “I’ll like a two-piece meal please”! You even dispensed my favorite ketchup, in a fanciful ketchup dispensing machine.

Love at first sight, love at first bite. You were the lover who didn’t disappoint even when you promised much. Your flesh was oh so tender, your aroma filled me with delightful lust. Your skin was so full of flavor, I cried when I licked my last. I knew at the instant this was a relationship that was meant to last.

You were always there for me when I was down. From the time I nearly flunked my PSLE to that rejected love letter from my latest crush. You were also there for me when I was up. From the time I collected my very first pay check to a very happy 21st birthday lunch. For all the inconstancies in an inconstant world, you were among the few constants I came to rely on much.

Our relationship was often a tumultuous one. I noticed that you have shrunk, while friends and naysayers said you are no good for me in the long run. I succumbed to their words once, and neglected you for a very long time. For that I am sorry, and I apologize for the flings I had with Mos, Long John, and that ugly red clown. But I just want you to know that if I ever migrate, I will go to Kentucky where we can have fun in the sun.

I love you, KFC, and I hope I’ll be with you till the end of time.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Poly Gathering

I received an unexpected email from a friend whom I have not heard from for some time the other day. It was an invite to a poly gathering.

Now I must admit I do not have many friends since growing up. For some reason, the kids around me always liked to push me around and leave me out when they are playing catching. I am thus very thankful for this group of poly friends. Although they ostracized me initially (they thought I was a nerd), we hit it off really well after going through a series of misadventures together during our six month long internship at the airport. But due to the combination of NS and overseas studies, it was hard to remain in contact.

Anyway, I think the reason why we hit it off so well is because just like me, they are all full of shit. In fact, one of them is so full of shit that she is nicknamed Ah Sai. Despite her unfortunate nickname, she was really attractive and was blessed with very prominent, eh, assets. I can’t wait to see her again because she is my bestest female friend (not counting Sushi Eating Friend).

Unfortunately, she is also very sarcastic, and has this annoying habit of trying to kick me in the nuts when we were in poly. Come to think of it, she kind of reminds me of Adrenaline. Haha.

I hope they will accept my proposal of dining at Burger King. Mushroom Swiss Double, yummy yummy.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Love Blossoms In Times Of Adversity

I was out of office this afternoon when I received an urgent SMS that went along the line of “How come your blog blank blank one huh? Think you got hacked.”

I was very sian, very distraught, and very flabbergasted at the same time because I have absolutely no idea why anyone would want to hijack this loser blog. And it turned out that it wasn’t a case of hacking. It was simply a case of being suay.

The first thing I did when I reached home at eleven just now was to try accessing my Blogger account, and I had no problems doing so. After checking through my template, I concluded that there is nothing wrong with it. But for some obscure reasons known only to code-writers and the Power That May Be, the damn template just refuse to show. And I have absolutely no idea how to fix it.

In my moment of desperation, I have adopted the following temporary template which you should be seeing now:



Sibeh Pink


Notice that I have highlighted the word ‘temporary’ in bold. If you must know, I don’t really like to be associated with the color pink. I chose it simply because it was the only other default template that doesn’t make my fonts appear weird.

Anyway, people says that love shows in times of adversity, and I think they are right. Just in case you are wondering, the person who was most anxious about my blank blog, and who alerted me first was none other than Adrenaline. Yes, the same person who has been leaving sarcastic and disparaging comments to my entries, and who once declared that she would rather risk jail as a paedophile than to date me . Heh.

Don’t worry Adrenaline, your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anybody that you are hopelessly in love with me :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about A Really Good Way To Lose Readers

There are many attractive (and some not so attractive) ladies who post pictures of themselves to increase readership. I am the exact opposite: at the risk of losing all my readers (yes, all three of you), I’ve finally decided to post a real picture of myself.

*Do not attempt to scroll down if you just had a meal or about to start on one*

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Check out my evil smirk


I wanted to post Sushi Eating Friend’s equivalent picture here, but I think I better not because if she ever finds out about this blog, she will make char kway teow out of me. Literally.

I apologize ahead for the nightmares.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about That Lousy Lie

Mondays have always been a draggy affair for me. It was even more so today because the minute I stepped into the office, everyone looked sibeh sian.

Office Bimbo looked sibeh sian. Boss looked sibeh sian. And Ms Tan was looking for Sibeh Sian because he made some sibeh stupid mistakes at work. About the only person who was smiling broadly was Nerd, because this is the second last week of his internship. Then he started to look sian too after I passed him more data entry jobs to do. Haha.

During the tea break chit-chat, I realized that everyone was feeling down because of Brazil’s shock defeat at the hands of France over the weekend. Some were even feeling suicidal because they contributed a major portion of their paycheck to Singapore Pools.

I realized my colleagues were not the only ones who suffered after I received a call from this fellow while having dinner just now.


Acquaintance Whom I’ve Not Heard From In Months: I will forgive you for what you did the other time if you help me out this time.

Me: Eh… I really can’t lah. . . . (Struggles to think of a convincing reason) Because of Brazil, I am also very broke now.

A: You mean you also betted on the match?!?!?

A: Don’t lie to me Sian, you were always very vocal against gambling one.

Me: (Took a deep breath)

Me: What I meant was that I paid a lot of money for my Brazilian waxing.


He hung up after a long and uncomfortable silence.

Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about World Cup 2010

Coming to you soon in the not-so-distant future:


Brian Richman: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Hello and welcome to the live telecast of World Cup 2010: Singapore vs Brazil.

Brian: We are very happy to have with us here tonight, ex-national skipper Mr Fandi Alamak, as my co-commentator. He will not be skipping tonight though. Haha. Over to you, Fandi.

Fandi Alamak: Hello everyone, I am Fandi. *Flashes megawatt smile*

Brian: Tell us Fandi, what do you think of the tournament so far?

Fandi: I have only three words to describe it: Very amazing. Everybody was saying it was impossible for Singapore to qualify and realize our dream of Goal 2010. But not only did we do that, we also managed to wrestle the rights to host the games and edge out Argentina, Italy, France and Germany along the way. I am now overwhelmed with emotions by the sight of the full 3,900 capacity crowd here at Toa Payoh Stadium.

Brian: I am very touched too Fandi. A pity the National Stadium has been booked for the Kylie Minogue concert already, otherwise more could have enjoyed it.

Fandi: Not to worry Brian, I’m sure most Singaporeans will get to enjoy the match in the comfort of their home after paying the affordable $50 surcharge, on top of what they are already paying for their cable TV.

Brian: Well said Fandi. Indeed, it was widely reported that entrepreneurial Singaporeans living in the nearby high-rise HDBs have rented their rooms and binoculars to visiting ang mos, so that they too can enjoy the great spirit of the Beautiful Game, ‘live’.

Fandi: Exactly. We Singaporeans are very friendly. Since they are here already, I hope they will also spend some time and money at our world famous zoo, bird park, night safari, Orchard Road, Sentosa, Chinatown, Little India and. . . eh. . . Sembawang. Not forgetting our casino. . . eh, I meant Integrated Resorts too. *Flashes nervous smile*

Brian: By the way, there have been some heated discussions over the inclusion of players such as Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney in our national squad. What’s your take on the issue, Fandi?

Fandi: I think the comments are completely unjustified. We paid dear money for them to stay in our sunny little island and even gave them our much coveted citizenship, so they are perfectly legitimate to be our national players. It’s a lucky thing nobody knows how much we paid that retired botak French player to be the national coach, otherwise more people would have complained, haha.

*Uncomfortable silence.*

Brian: I so agree with you Fandi. Let’s stop for a short while here because it’s time for our national anthem.

*Both stand at attention while Mari Kita is being played*

Fandi: Sh*t! (fumbles with his suddenly ringing handphone)


. . . .


Brian: Welcome back to the live telecast of World Cup 2010. We are just a few minutes from the kick-off, and before we begin, Fandi and I have this very important reminder for all of you.

Fandi: Yes. My fellow countrymen, please be reminded that the actual performance of both teams only accounts for 30% of the final score. The remaining 70% comes from you.

Brian: If you don’t want to see your favorite soccer team get eliminated, please call or SMS generously. If you are rooting for Brazil, call 1900 111 1111 or SMS ‘Brazil Boleh’ to 9111.

*camera pans to the Brazilian team, who grins madly at the camera and started showing their index fingers to make a ‘1’. Meanwhile, Ronaldinho cartwheels in the background*

Fandi: If you are supporting Singapore, call 1900 222 2222 or SMS ‘Singapore Tok Kong’ to 9222.

*camera pans to the Singaporean team, who smiles broadly and start making cheesy ‘V’ signs. The more creative Rooney raised both middle fingers*

Fandi: Remember, your vote matters! Do be reminded that the Results Show will be telecast ‘live’ half an hour after the final whistle, during which voting will be closed.

Brian: Ok, the match is about to start now. But before that, here are some words from our sponsors. Stay glued to your TV set because you can catch the remaining 85 minutes of the match right after this commercial break.

Fandi: We will be right back. *Flashes megawatt smile*

*Choruses of ‘Nabeh!’s echo throughout the island when the score read 1 – 0 five minutes later*


With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Weekend

As with countless other occasions, Sushi Eating Friend has forgiven me following our tiff on the cab after the Lin Jun Jie concert. In fact, right after typing this, I am going to watch Superman with her. I like that guy in the red underwear ever since I was a kid, and was very, very happy when my mum sewed a red blanket to the back of my t-shirt.

I will also be pouring my woes about Ms Tan to her, while she will be bitching about her married and pot-bellied superior who has been dumping a lot of shit work on her. I hope you will enjoy your weekends too folks. See you next week.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian