The long and short about The Lin Jun Jie Poem

Due to popular request (actually, only Platform Shoes requested for it), here’s the JJ poem I did for Sushi Eating Friend during the Lin Jun Jie concert. I’m reproducing it at the risk of my life: if you don’t see any entries tomorrow, it’s probably because I got mobbed by angry JJ fans (WinterC, Sunflower, LemonCloud, yes, all of you and more).

Anyway, here it goes:


An Ode For Lin Jun Jie

JJ, JJ, you have such a manly way,
Even though your name rhymes with gay.
Your face is as shiny as a sun ray,
So I wonder if you’re also using Olay.
If you are hungry you just have to say,
I’ll be nice and buy you some satay.
Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!
You are the one and only one JJ!

-Sibeh Sian
Summer, 2006

I have absolutely no idea why Sushi Eating Friend finds it lousy.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I Am Feeling Very Cranky Right Now

I am feeling very cranky right now and I am so going to strangle that thing call Ms Tan because she called me an idiot in the meeting because she made me rush back to the office while I’m having lunch because she went through my drawer without my permission because she gave me a goddamn ‘C’ for my annual appraisal because I’ve only just reached home because she made me do OT and because when she croaks I think I will smile.

There is positively nothing positive about Ms Tan. Bleah.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about All Things Happen For A Reason

Just like how your fingers will stink in the morning if you go to bed with an itchy backside, all things in life happen for a reason. Just like how Ms Tan came to hate men.

According to accurate office gossip (ie Nerd), Ms Tan was supposed to be this really good looking man-magnet when she was ten years younger. She was also engaged to this hotshot fighter pilot whom she got to know in uni.

Their wedding, however, was abruptly called off after she found out that he has been sleeping with her best friend.

If you think that was scandalous, wait till you hear this: apparently, they were sleeping without any clothes on. Which means they probably had sex. According to my accurate source of gossip again, the same thing happened to her mum, who found out only after Ms Tan was born.


Me: I don’t get it! Why are girls always attracted to such backside boys?

Office Bimbo: (Rolls her eyes) Of course you don’t get it. Your puny brain is incapable of comprehending the intricacies and idiosyncrasies of the superior species.

Office Bimbo: Anyway, to answer your question: Bad boys have this excitement to them, which makes the relationship very exciting. I was with this exciting Ah Beng once, and it was very. . . exciting!

Office Bimbo: On the other hand, nice guys are synonymous with boringness.

Nerd: I’ve been looking for you Mr Sian! It’s time for our Chinese Chess!


I’m not sure if Office Bimbo is right. I sure hope she’s wrong because all my life, I was brought up thinking that if I don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t gamble and don’t womanize, I will end up with a Sweet Young Thing and create many, many Sweet Young Things of our own. Sigh.

Anyway, not that I’m feeling sorry to Ms Tan or what, but I resolve to be less nasty towards her in this blog. I shall refrain from using that B word on her, because despite the many overtimes, the verbal lashings, the unreasonable requests, the sarcastic remarks, the lousy appraisals, the last minute projects and the emotional abuse that she has been subjecting me to, she might be a really nice person after all.

I think it’s time I focus on the positive instead of the negative.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about How I Met Ms Tan

Some people, you know you will end up falling in love with the very moment your eyes met. A similarly twisted logic applies to me and Ms Tan: the moment I laid my eyes on her in the interview room, I knew she will be a pain in my backside for a very, very long time.



I crush balls for fun


For the past two nights, I have been working till nine plus, alone, in that possibly haunted office. I have Ms Tan to thank for the wonderful OT because there is a big project coming up, and she needed to rush home after her dog called to say she’s sick.

Maybe I only have myself to blame for getting pushed around. About eight months back, I was getting really desperate because I haven’t been able to score an interview since that faux pas with the ang mo advertising firm. Then I received a call from this company and was asked whether if I can attend an interview in the very same afternoon. Needless to say, I said yes.


Ms Tan: Since you are able to make it for the interview despite the last minute notice, I take it that you are still unemployed?

Me: Yes Mdm.

Ms Tan: I must warn you that in this company, employees are expected to work extra hours without pay.

Me: Yes Mdm.

Ms Tan: I noticed you like to say ‘yes’ a lot. Are you a ‘yes’ man?

Me: (Ponders for a while) Yes Mdm.


Passive is my middle name.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Men In Uniform

I noticed that most of my readers are of the superior gender. I also noticed from the last entry that they have this thing for Men in Uniform. So ladies, this entry is dedicated to you: I present to you a whole gallery of drool-worthy MIUs:


First up is this very droolsome Man In Construction Uniform:





Next is this very hamsen Man In Fast Food Uniform:





Of course, no MIU gallery would be complete without a Man In Enforcement Uniform:





Get ready your hankies for this Group of Men In Power Rangers Uniform:





And finally, a shot of the very delectable Man In Sailor Moon Uniform:




Men in uniform are very yummy indeed :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Lin Jun Jie Concert

Ladies and gentlemen, I am glad to report here that I’ve survived the Lin Jun Jie 2006 concert:



Argh! I got dust in my eyes!


Even before the concert started, I can tell that Sushi Eating Friend has absolutely no interest in me. And I say that with confidence. Midway through our bus ride to the stadium, she left me hanging in the middle of our conversation to ogle at Men In Uniform, who were rehearsing for the coming NDP. I decided to use that moment to sound her feelings (if any) for me.


Me: Oei, do you think I will look good in a uniform?

Sushi Eating Friend: Don’t disturb me.


I rest my case.

We arrived soon after, and discovered that our seats weren’t as good as we expected. While I indeed got front row seats, it was the front row of the non-premier section. Meaning we were at least 100m away from Mr Lin. I tried to appease Sushi Eating Friend by coming up with a funny poem about Lin Jun Jie, but she wasn’t amused. Women can be so hard to please :(

After being coerced by the choreographer into learning some kindergarten dance moves which involves flapping your arms and shouting ‘JJ GOH!” (I thought his surname is Lin?), the show finally started. I think everyone was very happy because every time Mr Lin appeared, the audience cheered. Every time he’s done with a song, the audience cheered again. When he started showing his nipples, the audience cheered even louder. It was a very cheerful crowd indeed.

Unbeknownst to Sushi Eating Friend, I was actually more excited about the sweet looking guest star instead of Mr Lin:



I am smiling despite my toothache


Local singer A-Do was the next guest star, and I guess Sushi Eating Friend don’t like him very much because she went to the ladies. Heh.

Anyway, I’ve got to hand it off to Mr Lin because besides singing very difficult-to-sing songs, he had to dance around and do hand stands at the same time. When he was about to finish his encore items, groans can be heard collectively throughout the concert hall because the fans were very sad to see him leave. Or maybe it was also because their arms, like mine, were starting to ache after three off hours of light stick waving.

But I guess no one was sadder than Mr Lin, because he started crying after awhile. Which led to the heated argument between Sushi Eating Friend and me when we were on the cab for home.


Sushi Eating Friend: I’m telling you for the last time, it was not sissy of JJ to cry ok? Men who dares to cry when the situation calls for it, are Real Men.

Me: Yes, I agree that men shouldn’t be afraid to cry when it’s appropriate. But for goodness’ sake, it was just a concert! And he was bending down and hugging his head and everything!

Sushi Eating Friend: So when was the last time you cried?

Me: . . . . When my mum lied that she threw my 27 year-old pillow out the window.

Sushi Eating Friend: YOU SISSY!


Sushi Eating Friend is not a very fair person. Sigh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Pre-Concert Preparations

Besides Sunflower and Lemoncloud, my mum has been trying to con me into make me part with my very, very front Lin Jun Jie concert tickets. I always shut my room door when she blast her JJ CD, so she couldn’t for her life comprehend why I want to subject myself to three odd hours of aural torture.

Then she did an about-turn when she learnt that I’m going with Sushi Eating Friend. She also told me to try my best for babies.

What the?!?!?!?

Anyway, minus the memorizing-of-lyrics-thingy, I’m all set to go. I’m even making a trip to the Army Market later to get some cheap light sticks so that we can wave madly and pretend that we are hormonally-charged teenage female fans.

I hope I won’t get groped in the maddening crowd.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Why It’s Not Possible Between Sushi Eating Friend & Me

To all you concerned folks out there who suggested that it’s possible between Sushi Eating Friend and me: it’s not possible ok? Really. Besides irritating the hell out of her every time we meet and appalling her with my appalling dress sense, I have also pissed her off on many, many occasions. I hate to admit this, but I really am no boyfriend material.

If you are still not convinced, here’s another nine reasons:

1) She is very pretty. I am very, very buck ugly.

2) She is 161 to my 160.

3) She has a 2nd Upper. I couldn’t even get a Pass with Merit.

4) She zips around town in a nifty Toyota Yaris. I have my humble SBS and SMRT.

5) She is witty. I have a very lame wit.

6) She digs Bossa Nova. I sing Grasshopper at KTV.

7) She reads the Economist. I look at pictures in Maxim.

8) She is a neat freak. I can’t recall when was the last time I washed my jeans.

9) I farted in her face recently.


There was once when I asked her what will happen if we get stranded in a deserted island with no chance of escaping. I was hoping for a Blue Lagoon scenario, but the first thing she said was, “You better swim to some other island.”

Where is the love?!?

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Another Start Of A Possible Romance

An unexpected plus point for being nice to the Chinese cooked food stall aunties xiao jies: I was ordering my lunch yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised when I was attended to by a smiling Sweet Young Thing. The auntie nudged me when I was paying, and happily said, “Pretty or not? My daughter! Still in uni!” *Smiles brightly*

I told Sushi Eating Friend about what could possibly be the start of a romance, but I think she wasn’t impressed because all she said was, “Then you bring her to the Lin Jun Jie concert lor.”

I wonder what made her so pissed :(

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about All Men Are Assholes

I was riveted to the TV last night while having my cold and forlorn dinner at home alone:



The most fearsome show on TV


One of the tasks involved getting your head into a box of snakes, before pushing yourself horizontally to a tool kit meters away to free yourself.



Honey, the spaghetti is alive!


If you think that is bad, it was a box of tarantulas for the girls.



Funny, my head feels itchy all of a sudden


The gal from the first couple was obviously freaked, and I don’t really blame her for thinking of chickening out because it was a non-elimination round. The guy however, was very pumped up, and made his girl recite “I am not a loser and I will complete this stunt” over and over again.

Just before they dump the tarantulas into her box though, she started freaking out big time and forfeited the stunt. The guy was pissed, and you know he went on to say something bad because the TV started *beeping*.

The last stunt of the night was much kinder in comparison: All the contestants had to do was to unlock two padlocks in the water and race to the finishing point. Very tame by Fear Factor standards, but still no easy task as they were competing for the best timing. The runner-ups lost by only a few seconds, and forfeited a $10,000 trip they won previously. The guy was obviously very, very pissed. You also know he went on to say a lot of bad things because my TV started *beeping* left, right and centre this time.

The sad part about this is that a large part of his *beeping* was directed at his girl, who ended up tearing while shivering from the cold. This is totally beyond me because I always thought you should treat your loved one as someone really, really precious. As least, if I ever find my very special someone, I’ll do my best to make her feel really, really special. I think. Heh.

I received an angry SMS from Sushi Eating Friend after the show, which went “That guy is an asshole. All men are assholes. You will be an asshole too if you can’t memorize the lyrics to Lin Jun Jie’s songs by Saturday.”

I am so dead.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Most Useful Entry I’ve Written So Far

This entry is dedicated to the struggling office worker, who instead of lunching at Lawry's, suffers with the maddening lunch crowd at the humble food court.


Five Simple Steps in Getting The Most Out of The Chinese Cooked Food Stall

Step #01:
Smile at the auntie.

Step #02:
Do not call the auntie ‘auntie’. Call her ‘xiao jie’.

Step #03:
Always order fixed sized items, such as chicken drumsticks, last. The rationale for this is very simple. If you order fixed sized items first, you will end up with a smaller portion of other dishes as a significant percentage of the plate’s surface area is taken up by the drumstick already.

Step #04:
Never give the exact amount when paying. Example: if your lunch cost $2.10, give the auntie $3 and ask for change. If you are lucky, the auntie will be short on coins and just charge you $2 instead.

Step #05:
Thank the auntie ‘xiao jie’ profusely. Follow up with a compliment, such as ‘You remind me of Lin Ching Hsia!’. Don’t forget to smile.


In a moment of kindness, I imparted the above tactics to Office Bimbo. She reciprocated by saying, “You are destined to be single for the rest of your life.”

It doesn’t pay to be kind :(

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Progress Interview

Nerd’s professor dropped by the office this morning to check on his internship progress. As Boss and Ms Tan were both out of the office, I was interviewed instead.

I was faced with a great dilemma when I was asked about Nerd’s performance. To date, all that was tasked to him in the office were taking minutes at meetings, mundane data entry, and 3-in-1 coffee-brewing. I couldn’t possibly tell that to his professor, not unless I want Nerd to pay another semester’s worth of school fees. My Boss also mentioned that he wants to remain in the uni’s good books so that they will continue to provide cheap labor allow us to train leaders of tomorrow.

So I tried to bullshit my way through.


Professor: May I know what kind of assignments are Nerd tasked in the office?

Me: I am pleased to inform you that prior to the start of Nerd’s internship, we tailored a comprehensive training program designed to maximize his potential. The start of the program was spent on orientation, and a glimpse of how the organization operates as a whole. Nerd displayed great initiative during this period, and we developed enough confidence in him to spearhead the mammoth task of reorganizing the company’s market data, which was consolidated over the past two years. He also had ample opportunities to partake in the weekly office meetings, where he was exposed to management level decision-making.

Professor: I am glad to hear he is making himself useful. How do you find his attitude?

Me: Besides his eagerness to excel in whatever tasks that was assigned to him, I am impressed by how humble and down to earth Nerd is. For example, he does not think it is beneath his status to prepare beverages for his co-workers in the office. His humility is part of the many reasons why he is popular in the office.

Professor: That’s great! This is all very heartening to hear. Before I go, do you think Nerd is enjoying his stay here?


I thought about the many hours we spent battling over Puzzle Fighter in the office computer before confidently replying, “Yes, I think he had a very, very enjoyable time here.”

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Very, Very Accurate Personality Test

There are personality tests, and there are personality tests. So here’s a very, very accurate personality test that I gave Nerd the other day:

Note: To ensure the accuracy of the test, it is important that you do not skip any of the 10 listed steps. You are also to complete the steps in sequence.


Instructions:

1) Take a piece of paper, and draw the following figure as depicted in Figure 1a. Keep the dimensions of the figure to approximately 8 by 10 centimeters.



Figure 1a


2) Draw a circle within the figure. You are allowed to choose the position and the size of the circle.

3) Draw a stick man. Make sure your stick man does not intersect with the circle drawn in Step 2.

4) Draw an accessory for the stick figure. E.g. a flower, a hat.

5) Draw your favorite fruit at the top right corner of the figure.

6) Perform the following equation mentally, without resorting to a calculator, writing materials or any other aids: 1600 + 44 x 3. Write your answer at the bottom left corner of the figure.

7) Write the first name that comes to your mind under your drawing of the stick man.

8) Choose among a) Sun; b) Moon; c) Star. Draw your chosen object in the figure, at any position you desire.

9) Draw another stick man in the figure. The second stick man can intersect with any of the objects already in your drawing.

10) Tear along the edges of your figure and place the final piece of work in front of you.


You have successfully completed the test. Scroll to the bottom of this entry for an analysis of your personality.

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Analysis:
You are a socially inactive person who prefers spending weekends doing useless ‘personality tests’ on the internet instead of more meaningful activities, such as watching TV. If you did this test in the office, then you are an able person who is likely to have a good balance between work and play. Your boss may also be thinking of firing your sorry ass.

You are also a very obedient person who does all that is asked of you without any questions. It is thus highly likely that you are a Singaporean. On the other hand, if you are a smart ass who is reading this without having attempted the test at all, then I suggest you pay a visit to the doctor’s soon because you are incapable of comprehending simple instructions.

Last but not least, you are a very, very bor liao person. But don’t worry too much because the person who created this test is even more bor liao than you.

Thank you for completing this test. I hope you enjoyed it. Forward it to as many people you can think of, but probably not to your boss.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Aftermath of The D&D

1) First, the good news: The married and pot-bellied superior of Sushi Eating Friend has finally stopped his harassment. Now for the not so good news: None of the credit belongs to me. It seems that he bumped into Sushi Eating Friend while she was shopping with Manly Girlfriend, a mutual friend from uni who has a penchant for very manly hairstyles, very manly clothes, and also sports a very manly voice. They also happen to be holding hands. Heh.

2) My attempts at addressing this situation are finally successful. My Boss, who returned to the office this morning following his 3-day overseas trip, was very, very happy when he saw the very intimate picture I took with Sushi Eating Friend at the D&D, which was blown to 5R size and pinned prominently at the entrance to my cubicle.

3) Sushi Eating Friend has finally forgiven me for that little mishap at the D&D. For some reason, she is the biggest fan of this Lin Jun Jie fella, and my current client happened to give me a free pair of very, very front tickets to his concert next Saturday.


I am very sian now because instead of Manly Girlfriend, she wants me to go with her. I don’t really like Lin Jun Jie leh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about What Women Want

In the three days that Boss and Ms Tan are not around, Office Bimbo has been bringing her SLK-Driving Boyfriend to the office. Being the morally-upright people we are, Nerd and I are disappointed glad to report here that we have not heard any ‘funny’ noises coming from their cubicle. Heh.

I once asked Office Bimbo what females in general look for in their potential Significant Other. Her reply was that she followed a simple 3-step process. Firstly, the guy must be Rich. Meaning, rich enough to provide a tai-tai lifestyle after marriage. Secondly, the guy must be Handsome. Surprisingly, muscles are optional. Finally, the guy must have Attitude.

While the first two criteria were quite self-explanatory, I was befuddled by the ‘Attitude’ portion because if you think about it, every Tom Dick and Harry has an attitude. Some have a ‘heck-care’ attitude. Some have a ‘pessimistic’ attitude. I personally have the ‘benign and bo-chup’ attitude, as well as ‘cheapo’. I tried explaining this to Office Bimbo, but all she did was to roll her eyes and say “You just don’t get it”.

I also tried to query her on the practicality of her 3-step process:


Me: Is it really possible to find someone who fulfills all three criteria in your 3-step process?

Office Bimbo: Obviously it’s not going to be easy, especially if you are nowhere as good looking as me. (Flicks her hair subconsciously) But personally, I can compromise on the ‘Handsome’ and ‘Attitude’ criteria if he fulfills the ‘Rich’ portion well.

Me: What about brains? Or personality? Or a good sense of humor?

Office Bimbo: (Rolls her eyes again) Let me explain this by way of an analogy. Suppose you are getting a car. What you are most interested in are the performance, the look, and very importantly, the brand. These three attributes corresponds with the ‘Attitude’, ‘Handsome’ and ‘Rich’ criteria respectively.

Office Bimbo: On the other hand, your so-called ‘personality’ and ‘humor’ are like the stereo and carpeting. Nice to have around, but not really essential or practical in the long run.


I am crossing my fingers that that is not what all women want because I fail badly in all three categories. But when I look at the SLK-Driving Boyfriend, with his perpetually bored expression as he spend hours filing his nails, I wonder if I’ll really be happier if I meet all the criteria. Or maybe he was just showing his ‘attitude’.

I’ve also asked Sushi Eating Friend, who had a history of getting her heart burnt by guys previously, the same question before. Her answer was more straightforward.

“My ideal mate? Simple. Anyone without a dick.”

I can so see myself passing through the pearly gates of heaven as a virgin.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about My Beauty Investment Part V

Despite that nasty little encounter I had initially, I now swear by this wonderful little product known to the world as Olay Total Effects+:



Anti-aging, anti-wrinkle, anti-pimple. Rocks!


I have been applying the thing twice a day religiously ever since I recovered from the horrific outbreak, and now I’m experiencing noticeably smoother skin and noticeably less noticeable wrinkles. I am very happy because it’s damn difficult to find a skin product that is suitable for my face, which is strangely oily and dry at the same time.

The acid test for how good the Olay really is came last night when I was approached by this Sweet Young Thing trying to con me sell me insurance:


SYT: Excuse me Sir, do you have time for a short survey?

Me: (Using my favorite excuse to ward off insurance agents) Sorry, I’m just a student on internship, haha. . . .

SYT: I see! Which poly?


I is a happy man boy :)

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Why You Should Only Show Joy Behind Closed Doors

I was given very, very good news before I left for work yesterday: my Boss and Ms Tan will be going on a 3-day overseas working trip starting from today. Which technically means I will be slacking working unsupervised till Friday.

Nerd was equally happy. In fact, right after The Boss and Ms Tan left the office just now, the two of us got up on the office table and did a goofy dance. The not so funny thing was that Ms Tan caught us in our act when she came back for a file she forgot.

I am such an expert in getting my backside on fire.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The D&D Part IV

The carefully starched shirt, ironed pants and silk tie that I prepared almost came to naught when I received an SMS from Sushi Eating Friend that goes “I forgot to tell you that the theme for the D&D tonight is World Cup.”

That got me all panicky because being a not very sporty person, the only sportswear I own is this very old and yellow singlet and shorts combo that I wear for the occasional jog. I told Sushi Eating Friend about it, and we decided I will stick with the formal attire, based on the rationale that not all guests will arrive as Mr Italys or Miss Argentinas, and based also on the fact she doesn’t want to go to the D&D with a Mr Garang Guni.

But one good thing about this World Cup theme was that in view of my recent misadventure at the Japanese salon , maybe I’ll be mistaken as a football star instead of a BMT recruit at Tekong.



Uncle, one Kopi-si!


To be frank, I have been feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing because I was really worried I will lose my only female friend if I mess things up. But I also know Sushi Eating Friend will have me for lunch if I back out at the last minute. And so with a heavy heart, a sprinkling of cologne and a funny feeling in the stomach, I set forth for the hotel ballroom.

When I reached the reception area, I realized it will be hard to realize my plan of remaining inconspicuous because everyone really did came as Mr Italys or Miss Argentinas. Sushi Eating Friend, in particular, made me rather hot and bothered with her Miss Korea outfit:



Hot


Just in case you are wondering, I was in no way distracted from my duty of being the Fake Boyfriend. Please, I am very professional. I was also reminded of my sacred task when I was introduced to the married and pot-bellied superior who has been harassing her. Maybe it was the World Cup theme, but I must say he bore a strong resemblance to a certain football legend.



From World Cup to World Belly


I think Mr Fat don’t like me very much because he kept asking whether if Sushi Eating Friend and I are indeed a couple, how we met at uni, and why do I not have a car when he has already been driving his Mercedes for years. Or maybe he was just being friendly because he tried to initiate quite a few conversations with me.


Mr Fat: I think I will pass on the shark’s fin soup. It is a very cruel delicacy, and I am very much against cruelty to animals. (Flashes a smile to Sushi Eating Friend, who had declined her shark’s fin soup earlier)

Mr Fat: Mr Sian, don’t you think it is cruel to drink shark’s fin soup?

Me: Huh? (I wasn’t really listening because I was concentrating on my very delicious bowl of shark’s fin soup)

Mr Fat: I was asking what do you have to say about shark’s fin soup.

Me: Oh! Eh. . . . since you are not having any, can I have another serving?


I don’t know why, but he didn’t try to chat with me after that.

Anyway, I think the guys were very listless throughout the D&D because from the jerseys that they were wearing, I think they would very much rather be at home watching the England-Paraguay match instead. The emcee was also making a lot of very, very lame jokes, and I think the only time everyone was entertained was when the CEO slaughtered Air Supply’s Making Love Out Of Nothing At All at the karaoke.

Then came the dreaded games section. Mr Emcee was asking for volunteers, and of all people he had to ask for the ‘guy in shirt and tie sitting next to Maradona’. I dragged Sushi Eating Friend to the stage with me because I was not going to suffer humiliation alone.

I think Mr Emcee usually performs at kindergartens because after making me stand on a chair and blindfolding Sushi Eating Friend, he wants her to stick this donkey tail thingy to my backside. I think I am really bad in giving instructions because Sushi Eating Friend kept missing the spot.


Me: A little bit to the left!

Sushi Eating Friend: (Misses) Where?

Me: Eh… a little bit to the right!

Sushi Eating Friend: (Misses) Where?!?!?!

Me: Come a little bit closer to me first!


And it was then when I couldn’t control it, and let rip a loud fart right in front of Sushi Eating Friend’s face.

Needless to say, I didn't get my kiss goodbye that night. In fact, I don't think I won’t be invited to any of her other social functions any time soon.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The D&D Part III

Yes, I am back from the D&D. I don’t have time to blog about it detail now because my Boss wants me to scout for a cheap, good and reliable LCD monitor for him in Sim Lim. Being the considerate boss that he is, I was informed of my task by an 8am phone call this morning.

And yes, I meant ‘rashes’ instead of ‘rushes’ yesterday. If you must know, I failed speeling when I was younger.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The D&D Part II

I am just half a day from the D&D. My shirt has been chosen, my pants have been ironed, and my chin has just been nicely epilated. I am all ready to go!

And now for the bad news: Sushi Eating Friend informed me last night that holding hands, kissing, or another other form of publicly displayed affection is strictly prohibited. The official reason she have created for me is that I am suffering from the rushes of the palm. I asked her nicely if she would feed me since I am suffering from the rushes of the palm, but she gave me a rude answer.

There goes my chances of holding a girl’s hands for the first time :(

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The D&D

Despite the hoo-ha over my new hairstyle on Wednesday, I have officially been reinstated as Sushi Eating Friend’s Temporary Fake Boyfriend. Although the official reason for my reinstatement is that she couldn’t find anybody else who is free, I suspect the real reason is because maybe I do resemble Michael Owen with my new hairstyle.

Now I’m not too sure whether if my reinstatement is a good or a bad thing because I am prone to making a complete fool out of myself in social events. If you must know, I coughed out my mushroom soup during prom night because the comedian emcee was really good. My neighbors at the table were not as amused though. Come to think of it, Sushi Eating Friend was one of them. Now I am worried because she will probably make sushi put of me if I goof it up tomorrow.

On the bright side, I am paying a subsidized rate of only $20 for a full 9-course dinner. And if I am really lucky, I might even get to hold a girl’s hand for the very first time in my life. I’ll just have to close my eyes and pretend it’s someone else other than Sushi Eating Friend.

I hope they don’t serve mushroom soup tomorrow.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Things I Do For My Friends

A lot of my friends have commented that I am a very stingy and unhelpful person. But really, they couldn’t be more wrong. While I am admittedly stingy to myself, I am most generous and helpful when it comes to friends.

For example, as part of my preparation as Sushi Eating Friend’s make-believe boyfriend, I have decided to go for a makeover. In fact, I went to a Japanese salon to get my hair done last night.



I love things Japanese


I knew the stylists were Japanese because I was greeted by ‘Konichiwa’s the moment I stepped into the salon, and because they had Ayumi Hamasaki’s CD on. Very professional. I was doubly impressed when it dawned upon me that my hair stylist was bilingual when she asked “What kind of hair you want to cut huh?”

The office is buzzing around with World Cup fever recently, and I happened to have a football magazine which I took borrowed from a colleague. So I showed her a picture of this rather hamsen ang mo who was in the mag:



If you cut your hair short like me, you will be manly too


I promptly dozed off to sleep because I had a long day at work. I also felt very assured by the Japanese auntie’s “No problem”.

Then I woke up around 10 minutes later, and discovered that the Japanese have a very unique way of interpreting photos because instead of Michael Owen, I looked like this instead:



Very, very short hair


I was shocked to see how short it was, but no one was more shell-shocked than Sushi Eating Friend. Her first comment upon meeting me for dinner, after staring at the top of my head for a few seconds, was “I think I’ll try to find someone else for the D&D”.

Alas, it’s hard being a generous and helpful friend. But at least I got a free comb from the salon. Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about Nerd & His Heartless Girl

Nerd is beyond hope.

Instead of working on the assignments that were tasked to him, I caught Nerd spending the better part of the day SMSing Heartless Girl. It seems that she flunked her exams, and he is trying his very best to console her. By the time of writing, she is probably happily digesting the very expensive steak dinner courtesy of Nerd.

I wonder if there are any scientific studies done to scientifically explain why guys are suckers for Heartless Girls. I distinctively remember this old classmate in secondary school who religiously saved his lunch money for weeks just to buy a stupid Mariah Carey CD for the resident Class Ah Lian. This is after she got her ah lian friends to (almost) beat him up in the school loo.

Wait a minute, I was that classmate! On hindsight, she was really cruel to me, even though I wrote the most beautiful of poems to please her. Here’s another.


The Colors of You

“Roses are red, violets are blue.
Pepsi is sweet, and so is you.
Blue green yellow, yellow green blue.
You are like a rainbow, colorful and true.”

-Sibeh Sian
Spring, 1993

I think I’ll try to help Nerd improve his chances with Heartless Girl by teaching him poetry.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about How The Mighty Has Fallen

Talk about reversal of fortunes. After ignoring my repeated pleas to pretend to be my Significant Other, Sushi Eating Friend called me last night and ordered asked me to pretend to be hers.

It turns out that she has been receiving unwanted attention from this married and pot-bellied superior lately. The company D&D is coming up this weekend, and she wants to send a strong signal that she is not available.


Me: Did you chose me because of my easy charm and quick wit?

Sushi Eating Friend: No, I chose you because all my other guys friends happens to be engaged.


The Sushi Eating Friend is not a very nice person even when asking for favors.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about I’m So Sick Of The PC Show

I’ve survived two days of hard labor at the PC Show. My throat and legs are like so dead right now.

The sad thing is that I’m making a trip there again later, because The Boss wants me to get an external HDD for him. I have no idea why he couldn’t make that request when I was working at the show. I do know why he couldn’t buy it himself though, because he is golfing with his associates at some atas club later.

I hope someone will hit his balls by accident. Heh.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Spare-able Guy

Just before I knocked off from work yesterday, a personal friend of The Boss called. He was asking whether if my Boss can spare anyone who is doing nothing much in the office to help out at his booth at the PC Show, and guess who my Boss picked?

I ended up staying till nine plus at the stupid fair, and will be going over again later. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my services will not be required over the weekends. Not only will I be sibeh sian, I will also be sibeh, sibeh sian.

Anyway, I hit upon the idea of matchmaking Sushi Eating Friend with Nerd, who was visibly excited after I showed him a picture of the very delectable Sushi Eating Friend. Alas, it was a romance that was not meant to be. I asked her if she is interested in meeting Nerd for coffee tomorrow, and she cryptically replied, “No, having one loser friend is more than enough already.”

I wonder if I’ve met that loser friend before or not. Must ask her to intro one day.

With Love,
Sibeh Sian

The long and short about The Woes Of A Manly Man

My efforts in proving my manliness in the office have not exactly been very successful.

1) Continuing Sushi Eating Friend’s advice on how I should try to be more ‘man’, I’ve decided to bulk my body up. I have no idea how I should start, so I got a copy of Men’s Health on my way to work the other day. Turned out to be a bad move because The Boss passed by my cubicle just now. He saw the mag with that half-naked cover guy with a six-pack and very big neh nehs, and he looked very, very disturbed.

2) I heard besides women and booze, football is what gets straight guys hot and bothered. With this in mind, I tried to join the office guys in a World Cup discussion the other day. Everything was going well, but my limited knowledge of the sport was exposed when I commented “I hope Singapore will make it past the quarter-finals this time.”

3) After initially going “Yeeeeeee!” at the Maxim pin-ups at my cubicle walls, Office Bimbo has been coming over to admire them. Then she saw one pic of this Korean char bor, and she went “Yeeeeeee! She’s a she-male, you know?”. She then made me feel very uncomfortable by looking at me up and down and smiling funnily.

4) I tried putting on cologne the other day. This turned out to be a very, very bad move because Nerd had the same fragrance on.

Is there no way I can clear my name?!?!?!?

With Love,
Sibeh Sian